THE MAN-GENIUS VS. BELI-BITCH…ROUND 3:

NFL Wildcard Weekend Playoff Preview

I begin this, my highly anticipated (words “highly” and “anticipated” in question) NFL Wildcard Weekend preview with an amendment of sorts, for the nickname I use to describe one Eric Mangini. In previous columns I referred to the Jets rookie coach as “Mangina,” a term first introduced to this world in the critically acclaimed Oscar winning film, “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.” Early on, my friend rebuffed my immature sense of humor, questioning as to why I would use such a demoralizing nickname for a man who has done so much for me. Well now, four days after the Jets, a team I had lower expectations for than the film “Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause,” have clinched a playoff berth, it is now time to eradicate Mangina, and crown…”THE MAN-GENIUS!”

OK, I didn’t come up with that one, and I’m still curious as to who initially did, but there is no better way to dub the chubby first-year coach. Heading into a playoff hunt with four teams (Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs and Jaguars) who all had much better pre-season prognosis’s, I knew the Jets would have to win out. After losing to Buffalo, a lot of people, like my horribly pessimistic father, lost hope. I didn’t. They were still in great mathematical shape, and had smooth sailings ahead, in regards to their schedule. Take two straight wins and a couple of Jacksonville losses, and the Jets did what nobody thought was possible. Well, except for the Man-Genius of course.

I have a gut feeling he knew from the get-go that with his team’s schedule, good health (minus Curtis Martin) and staggeringly low expectations, that a respectable season was possible. The Jets 2006-07 campaign has far superseded that. I have never been more proud of any of my sports teams, and the way they progressively matured and played better throughout the season is totally indicative of their coaching. In no other sport can you say this. I love Willie Randolph, but I don’t think him sitting on his ass, eating ranch flavored sunflower seeds while signaling Chad Bradford into the game is anywhere near what Man-Genius and his coaching staff have accomplished this year.

But enough Jets-jocking, because I can go on for days. It is time for the predictions. First, the non-New York Saturday games which I am slowly caring a lot less about…

Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts (Colts -7)

So the Chiefs are in the Playoffs after an upsetting Sunday for the Denver Broncos, which saw their playoff hopes get crushed, followed by the tragic death of cornerback Darrent Williams. That means Herman Edwards, the Jets former coach, has now gotten another team into the playoffs in his first year with the team. It also pits him against his former mentor and head coach in Tony Dungy (the two previously worked together in Tampa), yet this match-up isn’t receiving nearly as much scrutiny as Man-Genius/Beli-Bitch.

This is probably because of the glaring match-up that is just too obvious not to exploit, that being Larry Johnson vs. Indy’s run defense. If you haven’t been following the Colts this year, let me fill you in a little on their Swiss cheese D, as Walt Frazier loves to call it. I compare their run defense best to those big paper banners players run through at the start of every game, that tear and break-apart easily upon contact. That’s the Colts front seven. They are almost as ineffective as a sheet of paper. Thick expensive paper I assume, but paper nonetheless. Need an example? In Week 16, they let Ron Dayne go for 153 yards and two touchdowns. Ron Dayne! The guy had two touchdowns in the past two seasons combined! On top of that, the man injured his ankle at the beginning of the second quarter, had to get it bandaged, and continued to run wild on the Colts. I can imagine him now, going “Ya can’t stop me! Ya can’t stop me! I’m too nice!” while knowing good and well that this would never happen against any other team. It’s nice the former Heisman winner turned huge bust had one day in his career to shine.

So at this point, I’m convinced early 90’s singer Taylor Dayne could muster at least 65 yards and a touchdown on the Colts defense. What does that mean for Larry Johnson, who broke the NFL record for carries this season, with 17 touchdowns and almost 1,800 yards? A guy who had close to an MVP season if it wasn’t for some guy playing in San Diego? I’ll put it in the words of my good friend Dan Gabel, who had this to say about the Chiefs-Colts game. “LJ might as well drop a deuce on the field.” Translation…he is going to shit on the Colts. I agree. I’m not going to waste my time and highlight what the Colts do well (we all know already) because it hasn’t helped them in the latter weeks of the season. I’m taking the Chiefs for the “first” road upset of the week.

Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks (Hawks -3)

I don’t know why, but this game doesn’t appeal to me very much. I don’t know if it’s because I’m sick of T.O.’s whining, or the fact that both of these teams have been so inconsistent all year, but I honestly don’t feel that the Super Bowl champ, or loser for that matter, will come from this game. Regardless, I still have to analyze it (If that’s why I claim to do) and there are some notable subplots going on. First off, the coaches; Bill Parcells and Mike Holmgren, both future Hall of Famers, both earn more bragging points with a victory. Second, the receiving cores; a deadly combo (Owens and Glenn) vs. a ball spreading foursome, that’s right, a “ball-spreading-foursome” (Branch, Jackson, Burleson, Engram).

I’ll also throw in two players of interest in this game, who probably have a lot more to prove than anyone else, one being Tony Romo and the other being Shaun Alexander. Romo started off red-hot after filling in for Bledsoe earlier in the season, but has cooled-off substantially, costing his team the division, a first round-bye and the always important “hottest team heading into the playoffs” label. If that isn’t enough, it’s also hurting Tony’s quality of poon as well. When he was doing everything right, he was linked to Jessica Simpson, but as his decline began, lesser attractive Carrie Underwood was spotted cheering him on in the skybox. If this goes on any further, he will have the chick from Ugly Betty sitting on the sidelines during pre-season. By opening day…we reach DEFCON 1, a drunken, boob-revealing Tara Reid puking on him after a 40-point-blowout. He better get his act together.

As for Alexander, does anyone remember this guy? He broke the rushing record last year, was named MVP, took his team to the Super Bowl, and now has practically fallen off the face of the Earth, because LaDanian Tomlinson (LT if ya nasty) is doing everything he has done and better. That’s got to hurt. Plus he is yet another player who has to deal with the scrutiny of the Madden cover jinx, after missing six games due to the video game related injury. The question is whether he is back to form from last year. Considering he had five touchdowns in December I’ll say yes. When I factor in his 3.6 yards per carry, I only get a little weary. But I like Seattle to win for two reasons. One, they have one of the best home-field advantages in the league, which has been rumored to use crowd-enhancing speakers. Two, they have an underrated defense that causes a lot of turnovers (something a struggling Romo does not need right now). This game may be the toughest one to pick, because I don’t know which Cowboys team will show up. With that said, I’ll take the defending NFC champs.

New York Jets at New England Patriots (Pats -81/2)

Surprise, surprise, the Jets are the biggest underdogs of the weekend. However, I think they like it that way. They have been dogs all season, no need for it to change right now. Before I write anything about this game, I would like to note that no matter what I know about match-ups, I’m taking the Jets to win. I want all my picks to be right, and I don’t want the Jets to lose, so I’m left with no choice. If I ever make it as a sportswriter, I will become the biggest “homer” (phrase used to describe home-town loyalists) in the history of sports journalism, and I don’t care. There are 29 other teams to give fair and balanced analysis to. When it comes to the Jets, Mets, Knicks and Liberty, I want them to win (sarcastic smile).

So, do they have a chance? First off, it is really hard to say which team has the advantage from playing each other twice already this season. Both road teams won, and it’s pretty safe to say everyone will be looking at the coaching match-up way more than the two teams playing on the field. So when it gets down to Man-Genius vs. Beli-Bitch, there is the obvious factor that both men know one another well, and will be trying to anticipate opposing plays all day. But who has the advantage here? Everyone says Beli-Bitch, the older and wiser of the two, but I honestly think it’s the Genius. Think about it, he knows Beli-Bitch the head coach, from his years in New England. On the other hand, the mentor only knows his star pupil as such, a defensive back coach and a defensive coordinator for one season. The Genius is like Luke Skywalker, strong with the force, but young and untested. Beli-Bitch is like Darth Vader. Evil. Cold. Ugly, with a face that looks like a decaying turd. Who would you root for?

The recently named “Most Improved Player of the Year,” Chad Pennington will have to follow Michael Scott’s proven mantra of KISS (Keep it simple stupid). That means no turnovers, especially interceptions turned into points, which Chad either avoided this season or provided in bundles, depending on the game. Another key factor will be the Jets in the Red Zone. The Patriots are widely known for their stinginess in this area of the field, and the Jets have struggled there this season. The Jets are going to need a lot of different scenarios to win. An uncharacteristic turnover fest from Brady, a few big plays from big playmakers Laveranues Coles and Leon “Neon” Washington or anything else that could penetrate and rattle the Patriots defense. Regardless of how it happens, the Patriots dynasty needs to, and WILL end with a Jets win. The Death Star has to be blown up, the Evil Empire has to be destroyed, and the decaying turd has to bow down to the power of the Man-Genius! JETS win!

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (Eagles -7)

Before I dissect the last game of the weekend, I must say how amazing it is to have an all New York playoff football Sunday, against two division rivals to boot. I think some local wives across the country may witness their husbands having seizures at around 4 p.m. from sports overload, foaming at the mouths while knocking over their plates of wings and nachos. This has the potential for a full-blown epidemic.

The Giants should have that “just happy to be here” attitude for this game, but something tells me Tiki Barber isn’t satisfied. If this is his last season, it could have ended a lot worse, but now at least he has the chance to make something amazing happen, and it will only take winning four games on the road (ask the 05 Steelers, it’s not that unthinkable). Unfortunately, the 06 Giants are not that team, and a bunch of question marks attribute to that. Eli Manning didn’t make a noticeable improvement in his third year. He raised his horrible completion percentage to a slightly respectable 57.7, but threw for 500 less yards and one more interception. I really feel a lot of what this team needs to do falls on him, considering Tiki had a perfect performance last Saturday, and the Redskins still kept it close.

At the same time, this team has had been hit hard by the injury bug for two straight seasons now, and one of those losses, Amani Toomer, is severely affecting Manning. It’s hard to move the chains without your possession receiver. While Plaxico is exciting, he really has only a few, albeit big catches per game, and if those plays aren’t made, he’s a non-factor. On the D-side, the loss of Strahan leaves the Giants without the pass-rushing attack they have relied on in the past two seasons, and Coach Coughlin will really need to be smart in how he uses his linebackers, and where they are in coverage.

Problem is, and I mentioned it earlier, the Giants have drawn “the hottest team going into the playoffs,” as the Eagles are clicking on all cylinders. Their offense is looking very balanced right now, as Brian Westbrook (perhaps the most underrated player in the league) and the re-born Jeff Garcia are thriving. On top of that, they are playing in Philly, and the crazed fans will be smelling blood just like the Eagles defense already set claim to. Brian Dawkins said his team is going to “dominate” Eli this weekend, and not in the way he likes it, which involves whips, chains, whistles, yoyo’s, my grandmother giving me the finger riding on a bicycle and a duck. Are you crying? (Sorry, totally obscure Black Sheep reference).

I guess it’s all up to the level of confidence the Giants have left in them, and the following quote by Linebacker Antonio Pierce sums it up well. When asked by the Post about responding to Dawkins “dominance” remarks, Pierce simply said, “We [the Giants] haven’t dominated all year, so why should I say that?” Yikes…I’m going to take the Eagles.