THE NBA MID-SEASON REPORT: EPISODE II – THE RETURN OF G-CHILD!

Why am I starting both of these columns with a totally irrelevant reference to the White Rapper Show? I’m not quite sure. I think you have to watch the show to really understand why. Hopefully one day I will be creative enough to tie in a 4-foot tall white female rapper obsessed with Vanilla Ice, to the modern day image of the NBA, but until then…

Back for another round is I, the Sports Jew, with part 2 of my NBA Mid-Season report. It’s time to dish out a bunch of other awards, lighting round style this time, so I can sort out as much of the league as possible. The categories will include everything from the mundane (rookie of the year, yawn) to the obscure and awesome (most grizzled foreign player). When all that is said and done, I will cap things of with an exclusive evaluation of the Knicks season to date, and whether they receive a passing or failing grade. For most of you that know me, feel free guessing the answer to that one.

Quick note before I continue, about my All-Star selections. I was pretty sure controversy would ensue, but despite the best efforts of some readers (I think I have five total, if anyone is counting), I’m going to stand pat with my decisions. Well, for the most part. When my brother informed me that Michael Redd (averaging a career best 27.7 points) has missed the entire last month of the season, I had to scratch my head about selecting him. At the time, I thought he had missed about 2 weeks. Another strike against him is that the Bucks are last in their division. However, they are also 2-12 since his injury. I scratched my head again, this time hitting a bump, which may or not be a pimple. To sum it up, I was deciding between Redd and Rip Hamilton, finally giving Redd the edge for his high scoring average. But since he is injured, and will probably not return for the All-Star break, Rip would serve as a valid alternate. On we go with the awards, which will get progressively less significant and funnier as they go along.


Rookie of the Year: Wow. This rookie class is pretty lame. I had a good feeling it would be going into the season, but there is literally no rookie making a big impact on any of the 30 NBA teams. Randy Foye has shown sporadic signs of stardom, but his numbers don’t shine anywhere. I’ll give it to the guy whose name rhymes with him, Brandon Roy. He is putting up some nice numbers…in Portland. Uh, Bargnani is showing some signs…I guess. OK, this rookie class is making me contemplate suicide, lets move on.


Most Improved Player: This on the other hand is a pretty good three-legged race between Caron Butler, Josh Howard and Carlos Boozer. I’ll give some props to Luke Walton for doubling his scoring and assists, he is really growing into a fundamentally sound player. Throw Yao into the mix too, as he is finally starting to reach his potential. He’s even starting to grow a Japanese tough-guy swagger similar to Piston Honda in Mike Tyson’s Punch-out. But among the top three, I’m leaning towards Carlos Boozer. He has added 3 points and 3 rebounds to his game, and is slowly becoming one of the best offensive power forwards in the game.


Sixth Man of the Year: Sorry David Lee fans, this one was pretty easy to me, Leandro Barbosa. Don’t get me wrong, I love Lee’s rebounding and efficiency, but the fact the he doesn’t start (and should) almost pisses me off enough to not consider him. Ben Gordon is another likely candidate, but I prefer Barbosa who gives the Suns a fuel injection whenever he enters the game. He’s the basketball equivalent of a NOS tank in one of the rice rockets from Fast and the Furious. The Suns are already blazing from the get-go, but when Bosa comes in, they speed-burst to the next level. (Note: The Sports Jew does not endorse any of the films in the Fast and the Furious trilogy, especially the third one with Japanese people spinning in cars like idiots.)


Coach of the Year: This was a tough one. I mean you got D’Antoni, Johnson, Jackson, Saunders. Any of these guys could win the award in any given year for the way they prepare their players, script up plays on the court and instill an overall discipline amongst their team, equating into a high win total. With all that said, I’m going to go with Pete Bell, Nick Nolte’s character in Blue Chips. “Algiers?”


Defensive Player of Year: Eh, I guess I have to pick this category since it’s one of the official ones. It’s just hard for me, because it can’t be based on just blocks and steals, and there is no way of tracking a player’s post coverage or perimeter defense. Josh Smith is one guy filling up the stat sheet, averaging over a steal and nearly three blocks a game. Ben Wallace and Ron Artest are the easy choices. I’m going to go with Jermaine O’Neal. He is leading the league in blocks at over three, and is an underrated post defender. I was going to pick Shawn Marion, but my friend Grampa claims he has “never shutdown a team’s best opposing player in the final minutes of a game.” Sadly, he probably knows this for sure.

OK, now some fake categories.

On-Court Highlight of the Year: Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see the game when the Nets and Suns battled to a double overtime 161-157 finish, so to be fair to, um, reality; I’m only going to pick something I actually watched. Runner-up is definitely the Knicks-Pistons triple overtime thriller (a Knicks win thank god) considering I was slowly developing an ulcer during the first extended period. If not for the highlights alone, Walt Frazier’s commentary of this game was worth the monthly price of MSG on your cable bill (I’ve been keeping a running journal of his color throughout the season). Observe:

• “An intoxicating performance by Rip, who is that masked man?!?” describing Richard Hamilton’s 51 point game, and his protective face gear.

• “A tomahawk master-blaster from the baseline!” describing a dunk by Piston Antonio McDyess. Or Nazr Mohammed. Or some other whack ex-Knick, I forget.

• “The Knicks have nine lives tonight! OoOo!!” You kind of had to hear this one to get it. Let me give a hint, it was the delivery of the ooo.


Back to the number one highlight, you guessed it Knicks fans, David Lee’s tip-in, buzzer-beater with 0.1 second on the clock. If anything, the fact that they showed the old highlight from Trent Tucker put the idea of it possibly happening in your head, and for a quick second before the inbound, it did. I’m not saying I knew it was going to happen because I definitely didn’t. But the fact that it did made the visual all the more unreal. It was truly amazing for anyone lucky enough to watch it live. To think, it could have been the start of one magical turnaround for the Knicks… (but we will get back to that later).


Off-Court Highlight of the Year: Hmm. Well the problem is nobody seems ready to top Eddie Griffin, who last season drove a car drunk while masturbating to porn, conveniently playing in his automobile’s DVD player. He eventually crashed next to a convenience store, and tried to bribe the owner from calling the cops with the offer of a new car, which failed miserably. But for this season, I will expand on something I touched on briefly in my last column, and that is Shaquille O’Neal’s emerging, if not highly amusing, status as a volunteer police officer. While he most recently pursued a driver in Miami who allegedly assaulted a gay couple (good Shaq cop, good!), an earlier incident in September was not as successful. The Shaq-fu (this time in Virginia) was part of a raid on a suspected child pornographer, in which a man’s home was invaded while his family was there, and a “search and seizure team” confiscated a bunch DVDs and tapes, including his wedding video. Obviously…it was the wrong guy. Even funnier, Shaq denied being present at the raid. I’m not sure how a 7'1" black guy (who was probably humming the Shaft theme and bobbing his head during the whole thing) goes unnoticed at a police raid, but hey, nice try there buddy.

Most Grizzled Foreign Player: Oh, hands down Vladimir Radmanovic, who has been trying to invoke Teen Wolf in recent outings. Unfortunately, when I tried to pull up his NBA.com, alas, he was clean shaven. So to make things more interesting…

The Top Five Creepiest NBA.com photos of the 2006-2007 Season


5. Shelden Williams- Nothing too bad yet, but to me, Williams looks like he’s in the early stages of Ken Griffey’s gigantism from the Simpsons.

4. Jorge Garbajosa- He’ll come to fix your refrigerator; he’ll stay to drink all your seltzer water.

3. Darrell Armstrong- Sadly, I think someone told Armstrong how goofy he looked in his photo last year, and this was the best he could do to change it.

2. Calvin Booth- He looks like one of those reflective homeless guys with funny signs like, “I’d say the money isn’t for booze, but we all know that isn’t true.”

1. Adam Morrison- He looks like an extra from Dazed and Confused, who was cut from filming after trying to grope the young kid who looks like a girl. (And with that, I have said too much).

Finally,

The award for the most overrated team in the NBA, receiving way too much credit for being seven games under 500 is…


The New York Knicks!

Let’s get one thing straight. I am still a diehard Knicks fan who only hopes for the team to succeed, and would never rag on them for losing if they simply couldn't help it. But tonight, as I watched my team barely beat a Kobe-less Lakers at home to improve to 20-27, I noticed something. That being of course, Jordan Farmar really looks a lot like Scarface from Half Baked. But throughout the season I have learned something else. From the first 47 games they played, the Knicks are still not even close to being a good team.

I don’t care that they’ve improved from last year, when they were downright awful. I don’t care that Isiah Thomas has been getting them to play better together; he should have to for putting this uneven bunch of players together. The one thing I do care about is this team becoming a contender, and while I could be surprised, I highly doubt the squad they currently throw out there will even come close. There has been a great quote used about the Knicks this season by Michael Kay, who I generally dislike, although happen to totally agree with on the Knicks. “This team takes one step forward, and two steps back.” It’s true. Sure they just beat the Heat with Shaq and D-Wade. They also lost to the Celtics, Bucks, Raptors and Bobcats at home. This past month they went 7-7 against a fairly soft schedule, where their toughest games were all played at home. What is everyone so impressed about?

I’m not saying they are a total trainwreck. Of course I love David Lee. I HATE that he still doesn’t start. Of course I love Eddie Curry’s offensive stat line every night. I HATE his defensive line. And of course, I love Jamal Crawford dropping 52 on the Heat. I HATE that his field goal percentage is .398. So yeah, it’s basically, a love/hate relationship, and the hate seems to have a more lingering effect.

More importantly, I don’t like how everyone forgot how Isiah Thomas destroyed this team last season, and has made it extremely difficult to trade, sign or draft someone high for the next however many years, (depending on whether he gets nervous and opens up the wound which is Knicks general management in the 21st century, later this season). I find it hard to believe that some radio hosts are saying Thomas wasn’t responsible for the Francis signing, because he is willing to deal him now. That claim is ludicrous. Even funnier is a message I saw one of my Knicks friend leave on another Bulls friend’s Facebook wall. He said, in a sarcastic manner, “Hey, aren’t you mad that the Bulls gave up Crawford and Curry? My response would go something like this. Uh, no. Our team is 14 games better than yours and we still have your draft pick this year. Zing.

In closing, I’m not saying that the Knicks have been extremely disappointing this year, because that isn’t the case, they have fought hard to get back and win some games, as any NBA team should be expected to do. But that in point, is the problem. The Knicks have to drain their entire life source to win one simple regular season game. They can’t pull off an easy three-game winning streak, without having to come back from 15 points down in quadruple overtime in at least one of those games. Sometimes, I feel like most of their wins are flukes. That’s how bad teams win. When it all boils down, I like Lee, I have a few drops of faith left in Marbury, I can only pray to God Curry learns to hustle on D, and I think that Jamal Crawford will always be a streaky scorer, who can only be a successful piece on a championship team. And the Knicks current roster will never come close to that realm of basketball. I only hope that I’m wrong.

Mid-Season grade: D. Hey, at least they passed.

THE FIRST ANNUAL SPORTS JEW NBA MID-SEASON REPORT

In the words of the great wordsmith John Brown on the White Rapper Show, Hallelujah, Hollaback! and welcome the first annual “Sports Jew NBA Mid-Season Report. It’s time to give much love to my once favorite league, (before I truly discovered the NFL) as most teams have now played 42 games and the half-way mark is upon is. It has been a pretty interesting season in the NBA so far; a future hall-of-famer changed teams after 10 seasons of Brotherly Love loyalty, a new microfiber composite ball was introduced and subsequently bounced, a mini-brawl in New York was marked by a 15-game suspension sucker punch, and two regular season juggernauts (Mavs and Suns) that went a combined 10-10 to start the year, have gone on an ambush since, and are both poised to win over 60 games.

So without further a due, it’s time to look back at the first half of the season through a series of humorous observations and awards, which may I add, in no way mimics the style or approach of a certain sports writer on ESPN.com, I dunno, lets call him Dill Timmons. But before that, I would like to share my selections for both the Eastern and Western All-Star squads, a topic of hot debate in every sport because neither of the three big leagues every seem to get it right. I however have a slightly strict, yet fairly reasonable set of guidelines in choosing the 12 players who make up each team. There are a lot of talented and deserving guys in the league, so it’s important to have a steadfast method of weeding out the least deserving ones. With that said…

• Any player dealing with a serious injury that has taken up most of their season (i.e. Shaquille O’Neal and Lamar Odom or more recent victims Rashard Lewis and Chris Paul) are pretty much barred from making my teams. The reason here is simple; if you can’t play in the game, you don’t deserve to add an All-Star appearance to your resume just because of your status. And in the case of a guy like Shaq*, who has recently come off the DL, prior to this he has played four games this season and done nothing to merit a selection.

• If it comes down to a few players with similar statistics, players from better teams will almost automatically get the edge. Unless a cellar-dwelling star is putting up some really extraordinary numbers, they will simply have to get their team record up first, and then their All-Star appearances will follow. There is just too much talent in this league, and inflated individual stats on bad teams could be a misleading factor for players who are failing to take their squads to the next level.

• Finally, any player who gets a 15 game suspension for a sucker punch, despite being the leading scorer in the league prior to said sucker punch, has simply blown their chance to make the squad. Look, I’m not saying that Melo and these other guys aren’t unanimous All-Stars any other year, just that they will all get plenty of shots to make the team throughout their careers. And when mitigating factors like the above do prevail, it opens the doors for guys who may only be two-time or even one-time career All-Stars. So, with my guidelines in place, here are your 2006-2007 NBA All-Star Teams from top to bottom.


* This just in, Shaquille O’Neal has been voted onto another All-Star team, playing four games and averaging 12 points and 7 boards this season, while spending most of his time as a volunteer cop with the Miami Beach Police. That’s horrible. For that, I have a new rule the NBA should consider. No more handing out All-Star ballots at team arenas. I am pretty sure this is the reason why a guy like Shaq is getting voted in, most likely by ignorant, avid fans who probably don’t even know that they are voting for someone who could be dead as far they’re considered. A huge majority of people who go to games are not true fans of the NBA, but rather rich white people who would probably rather watch Dancing with the Stars or The Hills instead of a Suns vs. Cavs game on any given night. These people shouldn’t have any say in who makes the All-Star game. Please, leave it to the die-hard dorks like me who vote online.

Eastern Conference All Star Team

PG- Gilbert Arenas
SG- Dwayne Wade
C- Dwight Howard
PF- Jermaine O’Neal
SF- LeBron James

Reserves
Chris Bosh
Caron Butler
Antawn Jamison
Chauncey Billups
Jason Kidd
Vince Carter
Michael Redd



Western Conference All Star Team

PG- Steve Nash
SG- Kobe Bryant
SF- Kevin Garnett
PF- Dirk Nowitzki
C- Amare Stoudamire

Reserves
Shawn Marion
Carlos Boozer
Tim Duncan
Baron Davis
Tracy McGrady
Allen Iverson
Elton Brand*

* Brand (who I originally snubbed for the Clippers disappointing start) is a replacement for Yao Ming, who I consider an exception to the rule due to his amazing season prior to the early December injury, which has officially sidelined him from the All-Star game.

Snubs: Some further clarification on a few other guys who didn’t make the cut and why.

The guy’s who are always there:

Paul Pierce: This was definitely the hardest omission to make from the list. But “the Truth” had two big strikes against him. He has missed 17 games due to injury, and his Celtics are currently fighting with the Sixers to be cellar dwellers in the Atlantic Conference (a division I will get to later). This is reason enough to give Caron his spot.

Ray Allen: This is another case of a team’s overall performance having an effect on my decision. In my opinion, Allen has already made enough All-star teams, six, to equate his talent and productivity in the league.

Ben Wallace: He’s doing what he does every year, though his rebound total has dipped. And aside from Chicago’s slow start, I’m sorry it’s just hard to call a guy who averages six points a game an All-star.

The guys who are a few years away:

Emeka Okafor: It’s always hard to pick big men to fill out reserve spots in the East, so if the Bobcats could just stop sucking so much, Okafor would really ease the situation. He is a defensive and rebounding beast, and is constantly improving his scoring average.

Deron Williams: On the contrary, while it’s hard to grab a guard spot on the Western Conference squad, in a few years it will simply be impossible to ignore Williams. He is having a breakout sophomore year, and really starting to mirror J Kidd. Who knows, maybe Baron Davis will return to his back-spasm ways next year.

Josh Howard: Who would have ever thought that Howard, a guy Dallas took with the last pick of the first round in 2003, would eventually play second fiddle to Dirk Nowitzki. Everyone pegged his as just an energy guy, but he is proving to be a great scorer, defender and rebounder for his size.

Other future All-Stars: Joe Johnson, Kevin Martin, Luol Deng, David West

OK, well as the controversy settles in with those selections it’s time to dish out a few mid-season awards.

The Mid Season MVP is…Dirk Nowitzki, the other white meat


Sigh, it’s getting harder and harder to avoid writing homoerotic expressions in my columns, but I think it fit just a little to well in this case. For the past two years since he left Dallas to rejuvenate the Phoenix franchise, Steve Nash has emerged from a solid, underrated point guard to an elite two-time league MVP, and the subject of widespread controversy. There are a lot of things the 6”3 Canadian native looks like from first glance. One is a soccer player. The other may be a substitute social studies teacher who drives a Nissan Xterra. Nonetheless, the one thing he doesn’t most commonly resemble is a two-time NBA MVP. Neither did Larry Bird for that matter, who won three straight awards. Racial questions aside, I supported both MVP selections for Nash, a player who invigorated a falling franchise by making his teammates better.

But now I think we have all fallen into a trap where as long as Nash keeps his numbers up, and the Suns continue to dominate the regular season, he will automatically be the frontrunner for the award. My problem with that is simple. It definitely applied to Jordan, who turned those regular season MVP’s into NBA finals MVP’s, but Nash hasn’t even take his team to a championship. One guy who did however is Dirk Nowitzki, the other white meat. I don’t want to say that people necessarily forgot about this guy, but ever since his split with Nash, Dirk has led the Mavs to equal success in the regular season and greater success in the post season. Plus, he does not have as talented a supporting cast as Nash, considering the Suns have three proven All-Stars while Dirk stands alone on a team of great role players.

At the same time, like Nash, Dirk also makes his teammates better. Not in the same way as a point guard who dishes 11 dimes a game, but by drawing doubles teams, and running the same pick and rolls with guys like Terry, Harris and Howard that he was so successful at with his shorter Canadian friend. While Nash is having his best season to date, scoring more and shooting lights out from everywhere (.536 fg, ,500 3pt, ,873 ft), I think its time for Dirk to get his due. He has the same impressive stats he puts up every season, only this year he’s got a much bigger chip on his shoulder from blowing that 2-0 lead in the Finals. So there you have it. I replaced one white NBA MVP with another. There are these two other guys though…

Best Feud of the Year…The Black Mamba vs. Agent Zero in: The Battle of the Ego-Driven Ball Hogs!


Kobe set the standard for pretending your teammates are invisible last year when he dropped 81 points on the Raptors, the second highest singe game total of all time. While some people, like Vince Carter and Pat Riley, spoke out against the exclusive accomplishment, I for one defended Kobe. In a column last year, I mentioned that he scored his 81 in a winning effort, a game in which the Lakers were down in the second half, and Kobe single-handedly had to win it for them (I think I said something along the lines of, when you’re on fire like that, why would you pass the ball to Von Wafer?)


So earlier this season, in a great overtime game where Gilbert Arenas dropped 60 points on the Lakers in a win, I was a bit shocked to hear Kobe (who scored 45) respond to Gil’s stat sheet with such blatant hypocrisy. Kobe referred to Arenas as having “no conscience” and that most of his shots were bad shots. In response, Arenas who spent the earlier half of the season yelling hibachi when he started to heat up on the court, decided to instead proclaim “quality shots” after every bucket he felt met the description. Now I don’t know if Kobe was jealous of Gilbert for showing him up, but for a guy who scored 81 points with only two assists, to attack a guy’s conscience for dropping 60 is pretty comical to me. By the way, Agent Zero had eight assists in that game.

Another interesting development in this budding feud is Gil’s publicized animosity of Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski, for cutting him from the 2008 Olympic Team. Arenas recently said he would love to go back to college for one day, just to unleash on the Blue Devils, who coincidentally beat his Arizona Team in the NCAA championship. Arenas had this to say specifically, "One college game, that's five fouls, right? 40-minute game at Duke, they got soft rims. I'd probably score 84 or 85. I wouldn't pass the ball.” Well, so much for Arenas being the bigger man. Plus Kobe is very close with coach K, who he would have played for at Duke if he opted for college. I can only imagine what it’s going to be like when these two guys square off again on Feb. 3 in D.C. I can picture Arenas uttering one “quality shots!” and setting off Kobe to counter with something like “precise form!” Eventually they’re both going to grab their own ball, and stand at opposite ends of court, heaving up shots and yelling things like “eloquent follow-through!” and “impeccable swish,” leaving Luke Walton to scratch his head and ask the ref what is going on. I could see it now.

That’s all for now, look for part 2 with an extended award list in a few days, with a special category for everybody’s favorite New York Knicks.

They came, they saw, they choked

This matchup is so beautiful, it makes me think football is fixed.

(Back for another round is guest-Jew "Gaba-gooz," who was practically on point with his preview of last week's Pats-Bolts game. This time around it's the preview of the AFC title game)

For the second time in four years, the Indianapolis Colts will square off against the New England Patriots for the AFC crown (Pats won 24-14 in 2003). Last week the Colts and Pats upset the Ravens and Chargers, respectively, and anyone who’s not a Ravens or Chargers fan should be loving this. Even some Jets fans might enjoy this game. It’s really amazing how the playoffs create such voids in head coaches' brains, especially Marty Schottenheimer. I’m not happy to be a Giants fan right now, but I’m really happy not to be a Chargers fan right now. So please excuse this brief rant; it needs to be done.

Marty, my man, why the hell did your offensive coaches run more passing plays than running plays? Are they insane? Is Bill Belichick really in your head that much? Did he take your green notebook with all of your plays in it? Here we go, there’s 4:30 left in the game, and the score is tied 21-21. The game is the hands of your offensive staff, and you have the best player in football on your team. It’s 1st and 10, and Tomlinson runs for five yards. LIKE HE DID ALL GAME. Now it’s 2nd and 5, and Rivers throws? Incomplete pass to Vincent Jackson, now it’s 3rd and 5. Let’s throw again Phil! This time it’s an incomplete pass to Eric Parker, who had already dropped a few passes and muffed a punt. This forced a punt, and put the game in the hands of possibly the most clutch football player alive. Seriously, I think there is something very wrong with you. And in your defense all you can say is, "I don't call the plays." Well guess what, any coach with half a brain would step up and make sure that Tomlinson had the ball in that situation. I don't care if you've "entrusted" the play-calling to someone else, put a head-set on! Your wide receivers were playing like “Hot Hands” from Little Giants all game. Rivers was better off throwing toilet paper! Did you not realize that all of your touchdowns were on the ground? I can understand throwing on 3rd and 5, but shouldn’t the play be designed for your only sure-handed receiver, Antonio Gates? Or maybe a pass to Tomlinson, who had the game-high for San Diego in receiving yards because he’s God? You are a joke Marty. I’d rather have Tom Coughlin than you. Okay I didn’t mean that…I’m sorry. But seriously, I’d rather have Rick Moranis than you.


Anyway, I found this stat very interesting: B-more and San Diego were a combined 15-1 at home this year, and they both lost. Unbelievable. In case Pittsburgh didn't prove it last year, now everyone knows that although homefield advantage helps (NFL ranks #1 in professional sports in terms of the importance of homefield advantage), it isn't everything: You still need to play well to win. So now Peyton Manning, our generation’s Dan Marino, is fighting for his first Super Bowl appearance, while Tom Brady, our generation’s Joe Montana, is trying to win his fourth Super Bowl in six years. The Colts are 0-2 against the Pats in the playoffs since 2003 (also lost 20-3 in the Divisionals in 2004), mainly because Manning has been unable to adapt to Bill Belichick’s defensive schemes, mixed with a few plays that simply didn't go the Colts' way. However the last time the two teams faced was Week 9 this season, and the Colts won 27-20 in New England. They also played in 2005 in Week 9, and Indy won in New England 40-21. With that said let's see the in-game matchups...

Dungy vs. Belichick...Belichick vs. Dungy...another chess match in the playoffs. Their past two playoff chess matches have been like Bobby Fisher vs. Helen Keller. Basically, there is no way Dungy will ever come close to being compared to Belichick. But, and if I may reference Little Giants again, all it takes is “One Time.” That’s all you need Tony. Nobody will care about the past if you can take this one down. Everyone will forget about your Marty-esque games. And not only are the Colts playing in the RCA Dome, there’s something different about this Colts team: No one expected them to get this far. Over the past few years, the Colts have been the enormous favorite, and they always choked. Going into the playoffs this year, I didn’t hear too many people saying, “Indy’s definitely going to win the Super Bowl. This is Peyton’s year.” Pretty much everyone had the Chargers vs. Ravens in the AFC Championship, so now everyone is surprised to see Indy in it as opposed to expecting them to be in it.

Tom Brady vs. Indy’s D: Tom Brady better have taken his O-line out for a lobster dinner, because they did an impeccable job against San Diego’s awesome defense. Seriously…Bravo. The defense sacked Brady only twice (led the league in the regular season with 61), and if I recall correctly, Shawne Merriman only did his “epilepsy dance” once. And if Brady’s O-line got a lobster dinner, then Troy Brown better have gotten to sleep with Brady’s wife, because he saved the game. (I’m too lazy to check if Brady’s married or not. If he isn’t, then Troy Brown gets to sleep with her whenever he does.) When Brady threw that interception to Marlon McCree, down by 8 with six and a half minutes left in the fourth quarter, the game was most likely over. But Troy Brown stripping that ball and Reche Caldwell recovering it saved the season, along with avoiding media comments such as, “Brady isn’t as clutch as he used to be.” [Sports Jew note, Brady is single, but recently broke up with actress Bridget Moynahan]

Blocking up front will once again be essential for the Pats to win this game. Indy’s free safety Bob Sanders is one of the best players on the field and they need to contain him. Defensive end Dwight Freeney’s first step is quicker than anybody’s, and Belichick knows that if he starts getting pressure on Brady consistently, it’s going to be a long day. All of a sudden, Indy’s run defense has been unflappable, but Belichick is too good of a coach for that to happen to the Pats. Last week, the passing game was the most important aspect of the offensive gameplan. (21 rushes, 51 passes) This week, the running game will be the main focus for New England. Indy’s front seven is more speed than strength, so expect Corey Dillon to get more redzone carries (Week 9 vs. Indy Dillon had 2 TD’s, a one-yarder and a four-yarder). Maroney is obviously faster than Dillon, averaging 4.8 yards per carry on 13 carries during their last meeting, and is certainly no weakling at 5’11, 220 lbs. I love how Kevin Faulk gets incorporated into the offense, and Belichick will continue to use him in key situations. New England wideouts Reche Caldwell and Jabar Gaffney stepped it up last game, and that’s a big reason why the Pats were able to come out with a victory. In this game Brady will still need them, but expect more passes to be thrown to the tight ends. Dungy will be anticipating the deep ball, so I doubt there will be too many shots down field. The short passes will be prevalent, and they are necessary for Brady to move the ball if the running game stalls. Brady made the plays last week when he absolutely needed to, but overall did not play a good game. He is known for his uncanny ability to rebound from bad games; so forget throwing three interceptions, he may not even throw one.

Key matchup - Peyton Manning vs. New England’s D: Peyton Manning…here we go again. There has never been more pressure on Peyton Manning in his entire life. He is now 5-6 career in the playoffs, and he knows if he plays the way he did the last two weeks, he'll be 5-7. He managed the game well last week in Baltimore, but he's going to need a little more than that to win this game. He needs to get in the end zone, but everybody knows that. He needs to read the defense better and not make any "Playoff Peyton Passes," but everybody knows that. He needs to get the ball in Reggie Wayne's hands, and not everybody knows that. Marvin Harrison will probably have a good game, because he’s Marvin. However cornerback Asante Samuel is playing the best football of his life, and he’s not leaving Marvin’s side for one second. That is why, REGGIE WAYNE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER IN THIS FOOTBALL GAME. If Reggie Wayne has a big game, the Colts will win this game. Tight end Dallas Clark has stepped up big time as of late, and he is definitely an offensive threat, as well as an excellent decoy. Clark will have an okay game, but nothing extraordinary. Look how well the Pats’ D guarded Antonio Gates last week: 6 catches for 61 yards, and Clark isn’t a freak of nature like Gates, and Rodney Harrison is playing this week (at way less than 100%). How are the Patriots going to stop Reggie Wayne? Ellis Hobbs? Artrell Hawkins? Their zone defense needs to be near perfect because Wayne is going to be a handful, and Peyton is no stranger to Belichick's defensive disguises. Reggie Wayne would be the No. 1 receiver on any other team in the league except for Cincinnati and St. Louis…remember that. [Sports Jew note, how about Carolina? Are we forgetting Steve Smith Gaba-gooz? Oh, how quickly we forget]

Back to Peyton Manning; it’s really mind boggling how someone this good could be this average in the playoffs every year. (This year, 101.0 rating in the regular season, 58.3 in the playoffs.) It’s like he turns into Jell-O every time the postseason rolls around. He's bound to have one good game...right? So as always, Peyton will come out firing, putting the pressure on the defense early. The Pats definitely don’t want a shootout in the RCA Dome, so like all teams their goal is to rush the pocket, forcing him to make tough passes on the run. If that happens, Joseph Addai will need to get going early. The Colts will have a pass-first game plan, but if Addai can take one of their legs out early and Peyton starts playing like his regular season self, the Colts are almost impossible to beat. Remember the Pats are the type of team that hang around all game, then crush you in the fourth quarter. If Peyton can get himself a 14-point cushion in the first half, there will be problems for the Pats.

Special teams: Don’t forget Adam Vinatieri is on the Colts; not only has he never missed a kick in the RCA Dome in his career, he just came off the game of his life (five field goals in Baltimore). He could be a big factor in this game, as he has a knack for big time kicks. Pats rookie kicker Stephen Gostowski has been lights-out in the playoffs, and he has a lot to prove. In spite of this, I don't think kicking will make or break the outcome of this game. [Sports jew note, I totally agree. Everyone is making such a big emphasis on kicking, when game-ending field goals are really a matter of chance]

X factor: Tom Brady is a winner, period. He doesn't just own Peyton Manning, he owns everybody in the league. And no matter what happens Sunday, Brady will always be a winner. Him and Peyton have quite a history, but I don't think Brady cares who he plays...he just wants to win. Peyton on the other hand HATES Brady. I don't care what people say, he has to hate him, and there's nothing he wants more than to run the Patriots into the ground on the way to a championship. Peyton has been blessed with what may be his last chance to crush Brady in the playoffs, and he knows it. He has been looking forward to this moment for years, and now the moment has come. So here it is: Peyton Manning is going to run amuck on New England's defense and Brady will be watching the Super Bowl in his mansion. The dynasty is over, but don't worry Brady: "You still got the best arm in the neighborhood."

Prediction: Indianapolis 38 New England 17

Michael Vick attempts to smuggle a chunk of resin onto airplane: stoner population shakes heads in disillusionment

News out of Florida today reports that Michael Vick (aka Ron Mexico to all you ladies out there) was stopped at Miami International Airport yesterday, for refusing to hand over a bottle of water to security. And apparently, the bottle had a strong smell of the ganj. I’m still not exactly sure what he was attempting to smuggle onboard, but here's what I read in a story on ESPN.com.

“The bottle was found to have a compartment that contained "a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana," a Miami police report said. The compartment was hidden by the bottle's label so that it appeared to be a full bottle of water when held upright, police said.”

OK, first off, you’re not supposed to bring bottles of liquid on airplanes anymore ever since that security scare last year, in which the FAA discovered that terrorists could mix substances on planes, and cause explosions. So right off the bat, Vick was ignorantly attempting to do something illegal, marijuana aside. But the fact that he brought attention to a bottle that he was attempting to smuggle weed in is so beyond rational thinking that I’m really starting to wonder what is wrong with this guy. Did he think he was MacGyver with this little special compartment that he whizzed up? Better question, how high off his ass was he when making it?

And from what it sounds like, “a small amount of dark particulate” most likely means that what he had was resin (burnt weed, for all you straight-edged readers). So that means that Michael Vick, traveling back to Atlanta where he probably has a weed supply similar to Uncle Scrooge’s money pool in Ducktales, smuggled a chunk of resin (which smells ten times stronger than fresh weed) onto an airplane in a water bottle, when the Poland Spring alone wouldn’t have made it on board. All I can say is…wow. This tops Damon Stoudamire as the stupidest NBA related crime of all time. For all of you who forgot, the current Grizzlies guard decided that the best way to smuggle over 100 grams of weed through an airport metal detector was to conveniently wrap it in aluminum foil, and stuff it in his North Face pocket. I wonder how Damon would have performed on the Wonderlic test.

While Vick hasn’t been charged yet, and the content of his mystery bottle could take over a month to determine (for reasons I have no idea why), this guy is really stumbling and fast. He’s underachieving on the field and getting into a bunch of really random law run-ins off of it. Vick, you need to straighten up and fly right, or some guy named Matt Schaub is going to take your job. He’s actually starting to make his brother Marcus look like the normal one, who I know best for giving porno tapes to under-aged girls and pulling a gun out on people in a McDonalds parking lot (classy). I really was a big fan of Vick’s early in his career, but it officially seems that all hope is lost in him. He simply does not have his head on straight.

"From the Perfect Storm to the Perfect Season"

(Note to reader, what was supposed to be an NFC title game preview turned into a brilliant piece on the 2006-07 Saints…and an NFC title game preview. I simply can’t help myself sometimes. Look out tomorrow for the AFC preview by guest-Jew Gaba-gooz.)

When I first read that the Houston Texans were even considering drafting someone other than Reggie Bush with the first pick of last year’s draft, I couldn’t fathom that such a desperately bad franchise would make such a blunder on such a no-brainer. But when it became close-to-official in the days leading up to the draft that they were taking Mario Williams (and this is because in the NFL, players practically sign with teams even before the first pick is announced), I tried to find a good reason why the Texans were passing on such a phenom in Bush.

For starters, taking a defensive end with the first pick is never a wise choice, because it’s simply not an “impact position” in my view. While the best of them (Seymour, Peppers, Freeney) are ridiculous athletes, they basically make a few “impact” plays a game, and at best put pressure on weak offensive lines and old white quarterbacks (see Mark Brunell weeks 1-6). And they usually thrive the most in pairs, as in teams with two great ends (Giants, Colts, Panthers) attacking from both sides. But I’m getting really off-base here - because it doesn’t matter who the Texans picked, just that they didn’t pick Bush. They needed a sure thing, and even if his all-around offensive prowess wasn’t enough to entice them, his marketability definitely should have. They are a young franchise in need of a star savior, and in the simplest terms…they fucked up big time.

One team who didn’t fuck up big time was the New Orleans Saints, which brings me closer to my preview of this weekend’s NFC title game (a bit of a delayed intro I know, and it will probably read more like a 2006 Saints biography). In my mind, and probably in those of many others, the team had three key off-season acquisitions. The first was the hiring of head coach Sean Payton, exactly one year ago to this day. The next came in March when they signed Drew Brees as their new starting quarterback. For the most part, both moves went unnoticed. More hype was surrounding around the nearby Dolphins, who passed on Brees for Daunte Culpepper and were supposed to host the Super Bowl this year, and blah-blah-blah…I’m sure you’ve all heard this a thousand times already. For those who didn’t, basically, every Saints move panned out very well, and two teams (Miami and Houston) came out looking like morons.

But what most people fail to realize (at least when I look at it) is how important Bush was to this Saints season, and you have to look at this from a Hurricane Katrina perspective, because it’s simply impossible not to. For a city that turned their football stadium into a makeshift homeless shelter/riot field/morgue last season; jeez, I dunno…I think they needed something BIG to happen to get them back into Saints football for ’06. And unfortunately, the Payton and Brees signings, albeit how incredibly successful they have both been, did not create that initial effect when either happened. A lot of it may have to do with the fact that New Orleans is a predominantly black city, which I’m sure welcomed the addition of their new coach and quarterback, but were probably not jumping out of their seats over them either. Brees was coming of an injury, and I’m pretty sure most people in New Orleans didn’t even know who Sean Peyton was (I’ll admit, neither did I).

But when the Texans executed the “Sam Bowie Move of Football” on draft day 2006, the disparaged fans of the Big Easy knew they would get the savior they were looking for at pick no. 2, and in the biggest case of “sports-politics” irony ever…his name was Bush. But unlike the President, this Bush gave them hope. I adamantly believe that the addition of Bush to the Saints, the mass production and sale of Bush jerseys all along the Bayou, and the excitement created around the home debut of the most exciting player to hit the NFL in years, all helped create the epic atmosphere in the Superdome on Sept. 25 against the Falcons. It was the first game in the dome since Katrina, and the highlight of the perfect season that overcame the perfect storm.

Obviously, I watched the game from beginning to end, even the grand pre-game musical number I usually avoid, because I knew it was going to be special. Green Day did a great job performing “Wake me up when September ends,” a song title that rang so true with what the fans went through just one year ago in the same month. In fact, I never even liked the song until I heard them perform it that night, it truly blew me away. But while watching, I began to sense that something (or someone) was lurking in the background, ready to take the stage. I should have figured it would have happened, what with a huge global cause like Katrina, and a perfect venue for a celebrity humanitarian to reach the masses, in Monday Night Football. It was like in Jurassic Park when the T-rex comes, but instead of the vibrations it was those whiny vibratos. And then…it happened. Bono hit the stage. He crept in and performed a stirring duet of the “House of the Rising Sun” with Billy Joe of Green Day, and I got to say I was still really moved. Nonetheless, I needed football to start immediately.

And what a game it was. With the crowd roaring (and not in a monstrous Raiders way, but more of a euphoric Bourbon street way) the Saints forced a three and out on their first defensive stand. Everyone knows what came next, the Saints blocked a punt, turned it into six points, and never looked back. It has truly been a remarkable year for the team, with Brees looking like Marino (once again the fact that the DOLPHINS turned him down only adds another ironic twist to this story) and Peyton doing everything right, including making a once laughable defense respectable. But I really believe that the drafting of Bush, a fluke chance that never even should have been given to the Saints, was the biggest factor in getting New Orleans back into football. And his season stats (9 touchdowns, 88 catches and over 1,300 yards from scrimmage) definitely didn’t hurt.

New Orleans Saints at Chicago Bears (Bears -2)

The Saints are really going to have to make this their type of football game if they want to come out on top; that being a high scoring game. The problem is they are facing a team that likes to control the game with defense, and at their home turf in the cold Chicago air (it will be a lot different than the dome for sure). Another problem is the Saints haven’t faired too well against tough defenses this season, with losses against the Redskins, Panthers, Steelers and Ravens. For them to have the upper hand in this game, the score will need to be in the 20’s, even though the same scenario didn’t prove true in some losses this year (case in point: final score in Baltimore game, Ravens 35- Saints 22).

But the fact of the matter is this, the Bears have not been playing like a dominant defense lately, not last week against Seattle or during the last third of the regular season. A big reason for that has been injuries, especially to run blocking tackle Tommy Harris. Without him, teams have been able to exploit the Bears rushing defense by gouging through the middle, something the Saints can easily do with Deuce McAllister (you know, the guy Bush still backs up, who ran for over 1,000 yards and ten touchdowns this year). This will allow Bush to be a decoy, and either have a decently productive day or a monster one. And all at the same time, Brees must be patient and not create turnovers for his team. I have a lot of faith in him for this game because he has been performing so well all season, and as long as he sticks to the game plan, there is no reason for him to choke now.

And in my view, the Saints game plan should focus on establishing the run early, to set up big passing plays. If the Saints execute well on offense, all they will need to do is rattle Rex Grossman (who I’m pretty sure my dad thinks is Jewish), something that many teams have had success with this year. In order for that to happen, the Saints defense will need to make some big plays, but most importantly take away the run and force Grossman to match drives with Brees (I’ll take Brees in that match-up). The bottom line is this, if the Saints can play like the team that won 10 games this season, the combination of Chicago’s glaring injury on defense should be more than enough for a win, and the first Super Bowl berth in N’awlins. The Saints are marching to Miami. Book it.

That's the way it all became "The Brady Hunch"

(From time to time, I will allow a certain distinguished amount of "guest Jews" to contribute to the blog, with their own scribblings on sports. For my first "guest" spot, my good friend Gabel (I like to call him Gaba-gooz) has written an in-depth piece on this weekend's biggest matchup, Pats vs Bolts. It is really good I must say, chocked-full with football analysis (which I love) and of course, one totally irrelevent Dumb and Dumber reference. Enjoy!)

I would have loved to write about my New York Giants, but unfortunately they have the discipline of a kindergarten class. What's even worse is Tom Coughlin is coming back next year. What's even worse than that is the fact that I have to admit Jeff Garcia owns us. He's officially reached my top 5 athletes I hate the most. It would have been better to be a Jets fan this year, and very rarely do I say it's better to be a Jets fan. I'm not big on the Jets, however they deserve a lot of credit for playing the way they did in the regular season, and it would have been nice to see them advance to the Divisionals. So due to the early departed in the Empire State, I decided to write about the most exciting game this weekend: The New England Patriots vs. The San Diego Chargers.

The Chargers, clearly the best team in football this year, are loaded on both sides of the ball, with Zeus (LaDainian Tomlinson) at running back, Juggernaut (Lorenzo Neal) blocking for him at fullback, QB Phillip Rivers coming off a Pro Bowl year (I can't think of a good name for him), just a freak in Antonio Gates at tight end, and a top-notch linebacking core led by Colossus (Shawne Merriman), who led the NFL in sacks (17) despite missing four games. At the same time, the Pats seem to have a solid D no matter who gets injured, an offense of mostly no-names that play well as a team, and they have Superman (Tom Brady) at QB and Professor X (Bill Belichick) head coaching. And in case you haven't been watching football for the last six years, it's not too smart to bet against the Patriots in the playoffs. The Pats have an incredible amount of momentum, winning seven out of their last eight after they out-played the Jets, and Bill Belichick out-coached Eric “I still have baby fat in my 30’s” Mangini. Doesn’t Mangini look like one of those kids who went to college when they were 12? Anyway, last week the Pats’ defense came up with big plays when they needed to, and if Brady repeats his performance it’s near impossible for the Pats to lose. However with home field advantage, fresh off a bye week, LaDainian Tomlinson and a 10-game winning streak (undefeated at home this year), the Chargers are the clear favorite. And the last time the teams faced was in 2005, when San Diego went to New England and destroyed them 41-17, ending the Pats' 21-game home winning streak. But if you look at how the teams match up in 2006, considering it’s a playoff game, an upset is quite a possibility. But would it really be an upset?

First you have the head coaches: One who is famous for winning the big game and one who is infamous for losing the big game. Belichick has probably spent more hours watching Chargers game film than Bill Simmons has watching Rocky movies. You better believe the ingenious head coach has come up with tons of schemes to stop the run, and he has a disciplined defense that can execute (sixth in the NFL in total defense). No one can stop Tomlinson, but the defense just needs to prevent a monster day. There is more pressure on Marty Schottenheimer than ever, because this is his last chance to redeem himself and show everyone he's not a goat. (When I associate Marty with redeeming himself, I can’t help thinking of the “Dumb and Dumber” scene when Harry [Jeff Daniels] and Lloyd [Jim Carrey] get lost and Lloyd mysteriously gets that motorcycle: “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this….AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!”) Both head coaches have a myriad of playoff experience, but their success is so lopsided it’s laughable. (Belichick 11-2, Schottenheimer 5-12) Just ask yourself this: If either team’s game plan is disrupted, which coach is more likely able to adjust?

Brady vs. San Diego’s D: The second-most important match-up of this game. The Chargers’ front seven is among the best in the league, with a superb combination of speed and power. Not since the real LT have we seen a linebacker in Shawn Merriman that can sack a quarterback at will. Brady’s dinky six-yard and screen passes aren’t going to work as well against these speedy linebackers, so expect him to use more of the field. The secondary led by Quentin Jammer are excellent tacklers as well, so the deep ball will be the biggest difference maker for Brady. If the Patriots are to put up points, wideouts Reche Caldwell (very underrated), Jabar Gaffney and tight end Ben Watson need to step up. You would also be naïve to think Belichick doesn’t have a few offensive tricks up his sleeve. However if Brady doesn’t execute early and the crowd starts to get louder, the game could turn into a blowout fast.
In every game all you hear is, “In order to win they have to establish the run.” This is not true for this game, because there won't be much of a running game for New England. San Diego's rush defense was 7th in the league this year. Corey Dillon can’t even outrun Gilbert Brown, and even with a few holes provided by the O-line, he will be lucky if he can get five yards on one of his 8-10 carries. Dillon’s game is based on his power, which is inferior to the Chargers’ front seven. Lawrence Maroney always has potential for a big game, but with the linebackers’ speed, he won’t rush for any more than 70-80 yards. Running back Kevin Faulk played very well last week and can execute screens well, but again can't compete with San Diego's front seven. Because of this, all the pressure will be on the passing game. In order for the Pats to win, the O-line must contain the linebackers. Dillon, Maroney and Faulk have to stick their blocks; if Brady can get enough time to throw, putting him in a rhythm, he will be tough to contain. Like I said, all the pressure is on Tom Brady. But who else would you want the pressure to be on? The problem is, the Pats won’t score 37 points again and 21 points may not cut it in San Diego.

The most important match-up: Phillip Rivers vs. New England’s D: As previously mentioned, Belichick will come up with defensive schemes for Zeus (if you don’t get the nickname, it’s because Zeus is the king of all gods who throws lightning bolts. Chargers…lighting bolts…get it? Whatever it beats LT), however as clever as Belichick is, it’s hard to stop the eventual best running back of all time. At the same time LDT is human; don’t forget in their first six games this season Tomlinson rushed for 100 yards only once, and the Chargers lost two of those games. That is why Rivers needs to be big. More focus may be on Tomlinson, but Phillip Rivers is the single most important person in this football game. The D-line needs to get pressure on Rivers early because if he gets rattled, it will be tough to come back. Rivers has come off a stellar year, with statistics showing that he gets better towards the end of the game (116.6 QB rating in the 4th quarter). But that doesn't matter anymore; regular season stats don't mean anything once the playoffs roll around. The best of the best in the regular season often collapse, and those you would never expect to shine. If Rivers gets in his own head, Antonio Gates will ultimately be ineffective, who is vital for Rivers' passing game, especially with Rodney Harrison out. The Chargers’ wide receivers are above average, but the Pats’ secondary jump routes very well, and are even better at disguising it. Did you see Asante Samuel’s interception on Pennington last week? Brilliant defense. The Pats' linebackers are deceptive, so expect them to confuse Rivers a little bit. That’s where the offensive coaches are very important. THEY NEED TO KEEP RIVERS CALM. If he makes a mistake, he can’t get down on himself. The Pats’ D is ferocious. If they smell a weakness, they will exploit it all day until you can fix it. And in the playoffs, that's not easy to do, unless of course you're Frank Reich, or Jeff Garcia (God I hate him).

Rivers has to manage the game. That’s the most important quality in a quarterback. With the talent on his team he doesn’t need to play like an all-star. Look at Trent Dilfer in 2000, Brad Johnson in 2002, Rothlesberger last year…why did they win the Super Bowl? Yes their defenses were almost flawless, but besides that, they all did a masterful job at simply managing the game, keeping they’re composure. No turnovers. Another reason why Rivers vs. New England’s D is a more important matchup is because of his playoff experience. This is Rivers' first playoff start, so throw his QB rating out the window. Everyone knows what Brady is going to do, everyone knows what Tomlinson is going to do, but no one knows what Rivers is going to do. The Chargers must jump out early, because once the fourth quarter rolls around, do you really want to give Brady a chance to win the game?

In attempting to predict which team will win, I ask myself one question: Which team is more likely to play mistake-free football? There is nothing more valuable than experience, and New England has a great deal of it. This Chargers team might be amazing, but it’s extremely difficult to play like a 14-2 team in the playoffs. Only twice in each of the two conferences have the No. 1 seeds won the Super Bowl in the past 10 years.

What will ultimately decide the outcome of this game? Turnovers. Whoever turns the ball over more will lose. Both teams will thrive on good field position, especially San Diego. The Pats can ill-afford a turnover putting San Diego at their 30 yard line. Both teams have solid kickers, but if San Diego gets in the red zone…it’s probably a touchdown. All Rivers has to do is throw it up to Gates, or hand it off to Zeus. But when looking at Rivers' stats, I found it very interesting that out of his 22 touchdown passes, zero were over the middle. Belichick knows this I'm sure, and in a redzone situation the defense may force Rivers to throw there. The Chargers have an awesome defense but if you give Brady a short field in a must-score situation, odds are he’ll pick you apart. In the battle of on-field talent the Chargers dominate, but because of Belichick, you cannot count the Pats out…he has a knack for bringing out the best in his team, obviously. Oh yeah one more thing, in case you didn’t know, Tom Brady has thrown five interceptions in 367 pass attempts in the playoffs.

Prediction: Tomlinson will have a solid game, but Rivers will not play up to par. Special teams should not be overlooked in any football game, and as I said before, field position very important. Also be mindful of the fact that Brady and Bill are 11-1 in the playoffs together, and although Brady doesn't have anything to prove, Rivers got voted into the Pro Bowl over him.

Final Score: New England 27 San Diego 24

THE MAN-GENIUS VS. BELI-BITCH…ROUND 3:

NFL Wildcard Weekend Playoff Preview

I begin this, my highly anticipated (words “highly” and “anticipated” in question) NFL Wildcard Weekend preview with an amendment of sorts, for the nickname I use to describe one Eric Mangini. In previous columns I referred to the Jets rookie coach as “Mangina,” a term first introduced to this world in the critically acclaimed Oscar winning film, “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.” Early on, my friend rebuffed my immature sense of humor, questioning as to why I would use such a demoralizing nickname for a man who has done so much for me. Well now, four days after the Jets, a team I had lower expectations for than the film “Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause,” have clinched a playoff berth, it is now time to eradicate Mangina, and crown…”THE MAN-GENIUS!”

OK, I didn’t come up with that one, and I’m still curious as to who initially did, but there is no better way to dub the chubby first-year coach. Heading into a playoff hunt with four teams (Bengals, Broncos, Chiefs and Jaguars) who all had much better pre-season prognosis’s, I knew the Jets would have to win out. After losing to Buffalo, a lot of people, like my horribly pessimistic father, lost hope. I didn’t. They were still in great mathematical shape, and had smooth sailings ahead, in regards to their schedule. Take two straight wins and a couple of Jacksonville losses, and the Jets did what nobody thought was possible. Well, except for the Man-Genius of course.

I have a gut feeling he knew from the get-go that with his team’s schedule, good health (minus Curtis Martin) and staggeringly low expectations, that a respectable season was possible. The Jets 2006-07 campaign has far superseded that. I have never been more proud of any of my sports teams, and the way they progressively matured and played better throughout the season is totally indicative of their coaching. In no other sport can you say this. I love Willie Randolph, but I don’t think him sitting on his ass, eating ranch flavored sunflower seeds while signaling Chad Bradford into the game is anywhere near what Man-Genius and his coaching staff have accomplished this year.

But enough Jets-jocking, because I can go on for days. It is time for the predictions. First, the non-New York Saturday games which I am slowly caring a lot less about…

Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts (Colts -7)

So the Chiefs are in the Playoffs after an upsetting Sunday for the Denver Broncos, which saw their playoff hopes get crushed, followed by the tragic death of cornerback Darrent Williams. That means Herman Edwards, the Jets former coach, has now gotten another team into the playoffs in his first year with the team. It also pits him against his former mentor and head coach in Tony Dungy (the two previously worked together in Tampa), yet this match-up isn’t receiving nearly as much scrutiny as Man-Genius/Beli-Bitch.

This is probably because of the glaring match-up that is just too obvious not to exploit, that being Larry Johnson vs. Indy’s run defense. If you haven’t been following the Colts this year, let me fill you in a little on their Swiss cheese D, as Walt Frazier loves to call it. I compare their run defense best to those big paper banners players run through at the start of every game, that tear and break-apart easily upon contact. That’s the Colts front seven. They are almost as ineffective as a sheet of paper. Thick expensive paper I assume, but paper nonetheless. Need an example? In Week 16, they let Ron Dayne go for 153 yards and two touchdowns. Ron Dayne! The guy had two touchdowns in the past two seasons combined! On top of that, the man injured his ankle at the beginning of the second quarter, had to get it bandaged, and continued to run wild on the Colts. I can imagine him now, going “Ya can’t stop me! Ya can’t stop me! I’m too nice!” while knowing good and well that this would never happen against any other team. It’s nice the former Heisman winner turned huge bust had one day in his career to shine.

So at this point, I’m convinced early 90’s singer Taylor Dayne could muster at least 65 yards and a touchdown on the Colts defense. What does that mean for Larry Johnson, who broke the NFL record for carries this season, with 17 touchdowns and almost 1,800 yards? A guy who had close to an MVP season if it wasn’t for some guy playing in San Diego? I’ll put it in the words of my good friend Dan Gabel, who had this to say about the Chiefs-Colts game. “LJ might as well drop a deuce on the field.” Translation…he is going to shit on the Colts. I agree. I’m not going to waste my time and highlight what the Colts do well (we all know already) because it hasn’t helped them in the latter weeks of the season. I’m taking the Chiefs for the “first” road upset of the week.

Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks (Hawks -3)

I don’t know why, but this game doesn’t appeal to me very much. I don’t know if it’s because I’m sick of T.O.’s whining, or the fact that both of these teams have been so inconsistent all year, but I honestly don’t feel that the Super Bowl champ, or loser for that matter, will come from this game. Regardless, I still have to analyze it (If that’s why I claim to do) and there are some notable subplots going on. First off, the coaches; Bill Parcells and Mike Holmgren, both future Hall of Famers, both earn more bragging points with a victory. Second, the receiving cores; a deadly combo (Owens and Glenn) vs. a ball spreading foursome, that’s right, a “ball-spreading-foursome” (Branch, Jackson, Burleson, Engram).

I’ll also throw in two players of interest in this game, who probably have a lot more to prove than anyone else, one being Tony Romo and the other being Shaun Alexander. Romo started off red-hot after filling in for Bledsoe earlier in the season, but has cooled-off substantially, costing his team the division, a first round-bye and the always important “hottest team heading into the playoffs” label. If that isn’t enough, it’s also hurting Tony’s quality of poon as well. When he was doing everything right, he was linked to Jessica Simpson, but as his decline began, lesser attractive Carrie Underwood was spotted cheering him on in the skybox. If this goes on any further, he will have the chick from Ugly Betty sitting on the sidelines during pre-season. By opening day…we reach DEFCON 1, a drunken, boob-revealing Tara Reid puking on him after a 40-point-blowout. He better get his act together.

As for Alexander, does anyone remember this guy? He broke the rushing record last year, was named MVP, took his team to the Super Bowl, and now has practically fallen off the face of the Earth, because LaDanian Tomlinson (LT if ya nasty) is doing everything he has done and better. That’s got to hurt. Plus he is yet another player who has to deal with the scrutiny of the Madden cover jinx, after missing six games due to the video game related injury. The question is whether he is back to form from last year. Considering he had five touchdowns in December I’ll say yes. When I factor in his 3.6 yards per carry, I only get a little weary. But I like Seattle to win for two reasons. One, they have one of the best home-field advantages in the league, which has been rumored to use crowd-enhancing speakers. Two, they have an underrated defense that causes a lot of turnovers (something a struggling Romo does not need right now). This game may be the toughest one to pick, because I don’t know which Cowboys team will show up. With that said, I’ll take the defending NFC champs.

New York Jets at New England Patriots (Pats -81/2)

Surprise, surprise, the Jets are the biggest underdogs of the weekend. However, I think they like it that way. They have been dogs all season, no need for it to change right now. Before I write anything about this game, I would like to note that no matter what I know about match-ups, I’m taking the Jets to win. I want all my picks to be right, and I don’t want the Jets to lose, so I’m left with no choice. If I ever make it as a sportswriter, I will become the biggest “homer” (phrase used to describe home-town loyalists) in the history of sports journalism, and I don’t care. There are 29 other teams to give fair and balanced analysis to. When it comes to the Jets, Mets, Knicks and Liberty, I want them to win (sarcastic smile).

So, do they have a chance? First off, it is really hard to say which team has the advantage from playing each other twice already this season. Both road teams won, and it’s pretty safe to say everyone will be looking at the coaching match-up way more than the two teams playing on the field. So when it gets down to Man-Genius vs. Beli-Bitch, there is the obvious factor that both men know one another well, and will be trying to anticipate opposing plays all day. But who has the advantage here? Everyone says Beli-Bitch, the older and wiser of the two, but I honestly think it’s the Genius. Think about it, he knows Beli-Bitch the head coach, from his years in New England. On the other hand, the mentor only knows his star pupil as such, a defensive back coach and a defensive coordinator for one season. The Genius is like Luke Skywalker, strong with the force, but young and untested. Beli-Bitch is like Darth Vader. Evil. Cold. Ugly, with a face that looks like a decaying turd. Who would you root for?

The recently named “Most Improved Player of the Year,” Chad Pennington will have to follow Michael Scott’s proven mantra of KISS (Keep it simple stupid). That means no turnovers, especially interceptions turned into points, which Chad either avoided this season or provided in bundles, depending on the game. Another key factor will be the Jets in the Red Zone. The Patriots are widely known for their stinginess in this area of the field, and the Jets have struggled there this season. The Jets are going to need a lot of different scenarios to win. An uncharacteristic turnover fest from Brady, a few big plays from big playmakers Laveranues Coles and Leon “Neon” Washington or anything else that could penetrate and rattle the Patriots defense. Regardless of how it happens, the Patriots dynasty needs to, and WILL end with a Jets win. The Death Star has to be blown up, the Evil Empire has to be destroyed, and the decaying turd has to bow down to the power of the Man-Genius! JETS win!

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (Eagles -7)

Before I dissect the last game of the weekend, I must say how amazing it is to have an all New York playoff football Sunday, against two division rivals to boot. I think some local wives across the country may witness their husbands having seizures at around 4 p.m. from sports overload, foaming at the mouths while knocking over their plates of wings and nachos. This has the potential for a full-blown epidemic.

The Giants should have that “just happy to be here” attitude for this game, but something tells me Tiki Barber isn’t satisfied. If this is his last season, it could have ended a lot worse, but now at least he has the chance to make something amazing happen, and it will only take winning four games on the road (ask the 05 Steelers, it’s not that unthinkable). Unfortunately, the 06 Giants are not that team, and a bunch of question marks attribute to that. Eli Manning didn’t make a noticeable improvement in his third year. He raised his horrible completion percentage to a slightly respectable 57.7, but threw for 500 less yards and one more interception. I really feel a lot of what this team needs to do falls on him, considering Tiki had a perfect performance last Saturday, and the Redskins still kept it close.

At the same time, this team has had been hit hard by the injury bug for two straight seasons now, and one of those losses, Amani Toomer, is severely affecting Manning. It’s hard to move the chains without your possession receiver. While Plaxico is exciting, he really has only a few, albeit big catches per game, and if those plays aren’t made, he’s a non-factor. On the D-side, the loss of Strahan leaves the Giants without the pass-rushing attack they have relied on in the past two seasons, and Coach Coughlin will really need to be smart in how he uses his linebackers, and where they are in coverage.

Problem is, and I mentioned it earlier, the Giants have drawn “the hottest team going into the playoffs,” as the Eagles are clicking on all cylinders. Their offense is looking very balanced right now, as Brian Westbrook (perhaps the most underrated player in the league) and the re-born Jeff Garcia are thriving. On top of that, they are playing in Philly, and the crazed fans will be smelling blood just like the Eagles defense already set claim to. Brian Dawkins said his team is going to “dominate” Eli this weekend, and not in the way he likes it, which involves whips, chains, whistles, yoyo’s, my grandmother giving me the finger riding on a bicycle and a duck. Are you crying? (Sorry, totally obscure Black Sheep reference).

I guess it’s all up to the level of confidence the Giants have left in them, and the following quote by Linebacker Antonio Pierce sums it up well. When asked by the Post about responding to Dawkins “dominance” remarks, Pierce simply said, “We [the Giants] haven’t dominated all year, so why should I say that?” Yikes…I’m going to take the Eagles.