FOCKKKKK!!

Giants sweep in, and veto Zito deal to Mets

Wait, he’s got a wicked curve? He calls everyone dude? Wow, that’s got to be worth $126 million. The dude part alone is a prerequisite on the Hall of Fame ballot. Cy Young did it to his teammates all the time.
I have to admit it, when I first heard Zito signed with the Giants I was shocked. It kind of felt like your girlfriend cheating on you, like a line of trust was broken. But this is because like most Mets fans, I possessed this naïve confidence that no matter what, Barry Zito would eventually sign with the team and become their number one starter next year. I thought Minaya would get his man and that this year’s biggest free agent pitcher, about to sign his career defining contract, would love to come to the Mets and contend for a World Series. Everything was set in place. The wheels were already in motion.
But then, as the free agent pool continued to drain, Zito’ status remained in limbo. I’d get IM’s from fellow Met friends everyday saying, “What’s going on with Zito? You think he’ll sign with Texas? I have huge anal warts.” (OK, ignore that last one). What seemed inevitable became very doubtful, as the days turned into weeks. When I listened to Scott “the Devil” Boras on Michael Kay just one week ago, he said it was down to six teams, and a deal would be reached in the next 15-20 days. I didn’t like the sound of that. At that point, Amazin fans were on pins and needles, because the deal could happen at any moment, and the Mets were in no way the frontrunners.
And then yesterday when my friend Jon IM’ed me that Zito was probably signing with the Giants, I made nothing of it. That team came out of left field to me. But two minutes later, I noticed another blinking orange IM icon on my screen. It was my friend Jeff, another diehard Mets fan. This can’t be good, I was afraid to drag and click. Yet when I finally did…my worst fear became a reality. (And I should add how ironic it was that when you receive an IM, the icon blinks from blue to orange, the Mets colors. A tragic case of foreshadowing)
So obviously, I went on to hold three simultaneous AIM conversations with my three biggest Met friends (Jon “the pessimist,” Jeff “the optimist,” and Meir “the fanatical, lives and dies by the Mets pessimist,”). At the start, we were all miserable about it. But soon enough, after enough Boras bashing and “what’s our next move” questioning, there was some light at the end of the tunnel. We began to ponder, is Zito worth even half of 126 million? Is is worth our time and money, to sign him to a ridiculous long term contract, with possible detrimental effects to our team’s future? Didn’t we learn anything from Mo Vaughn?
OK, Barry Zito is no Mo Vaughn, but at the same time what exactly is he? Let’s break down his seven year career in the majors. He peaked in 2002, his Cy Young year, going 23-5 with a 2.75 ERA. He also had a decent 2001. But what about the bulk of his career, between 2003-05? 39-36 with a 3.9 ERA. And this year, he must have really impressed the market with his 16-10 record and 3.8 ERA. The truth is Barry Zito is a slightly above average pitcher, and most of that is due to the fact of how durable he has been. He is at the top of the list in starts and innings pitched in the past five years. While he is also fourth in wins, his highest win total aside from his Cy Young year is 17, and the amount of W’s is mostly attributed to his amount of starts.
Now I’m not saying I wouldn’t have welcomed Zito to the Mets. The fact that he stays so healthy is not a bad thing at all, especially for the injury plagued, over-the-hill rotation the Mets currently sport. But if Minaya had to even come close to the deal the Giants signed with the devil (literally), than I commend our Dominican GM for passing. So there, we have some clarity on the Zito deal. We were so desperate to get a starter, especially a young one with a good reputation, but it wasn’t worth breaking the bank for. But have fun in San Fran Barry, watching your fellow “Barry,” Bonds that is, inject steroids into his testicles while turning your first season into a homerun record chasing media circus. Should be a fun time.

(I would like to add that my older brother Avi wanted me to mention that he likes to call Barry Zito, Barry Ziti. And yes he is a high paid lawyer.)

Merry Christmas from Mango and friends!

As Kyle from South Park once said, “It’s hard to be a Jew on Christmas.” Well it will be a little easier this year, because of a sweet day of games for the Sports Jew and his non-gentile friends to enjoy.

First off will be the now “traditionally mandatory” match-up of the Lakers and Heat. When this game first occurred two years ago, it was meant to hype up the first Kobe vs. Shaq battle since their big split. But now that the two guys finally kissed and made up, and because Shaq plays less games than Rebecca Lobo in her prime lately, it is now built around the match-up between Kobe and D-Wade, which is a lot more exciting if you ask me. I rather see Kobe trade dunks and improbable shots with Wade, than watch Shaq’s slow motion moves in the post. Just makes for more entertaining television if you ask me.

After that we switch over to football with a big division match-up between the Eagles and Cowboys. Now that the Giants have almost officially blown this season, it will be up to Philly and Dallas to see who wins the NFC East, while both teams have already clinched playoff births. This game also marks the first time Jeff Garcia faces off against T.O. since their “breakup” in San Fran, which ended with the star receiver accusing his quarterback of being a homosexual. I say just for the hell of it, Garcia should blow kisses to T.O. every time he enter the field, and do things like waive to him in a feminine manner while saying “Heeeeey Terrell!” in a really effeminate voice. That should add some intrigue to this one.

And finally, we cap the night off with Jets. Vs. Dolphins on Monday Night Football. No surprise here that this game strikes my fancy the most (damn you Garcia!) as the Jets can lock up the final playoff spot with a win against the Dolphins. I say this because all they would need to do after that is beat Oakland in the last week of the season. The Raiders are a team currently in what I call “bizzaro playoff hunt mode,” in which your season has been so meaningless, that you try to finish with the league’s worst record to land the number one pick in the NFL draft. I have total faith in Oakland throwing all their integrity aside and achieving this goal, so the Jets really need to take care of business in Miami to take control of their own destiny. It all rests on Chad Pennington. Hopefully the recent release of “We Are Marshall” will inspire him. We could use Matthew McConaughey on the sideline in aviators saying, “alight, alright” after every first down for good measure.

Merry Christmas everybody!

“Matt Geiger is an ugly man”

The NBA season so far.

Alright, alright. It’s time to take a little break from the NFL, and divert some much needed attention to the first month and a half of the NBA season. Going into the 06-07 campaign, I had very little interest or faith in the league this year, most of this having to do with the dreadful forecast in line for the Knicks. If this sounds familiar, it’s because I had a very similar attitude towards the Jets this year. While the Jets have surpassed my expectations by a mile, the Knicks…well, they’re just about where I thought they’d be at. And they added a good ole brawl for good measure!

Isiah Thomas has proven that his off the court incompetence isn’t just limited to managing, but to coaching the Knicks as well. I think it was a few weeks ago when in the late stages of the game, and the Knicks down by a few, Zeke decided to truly demonstrate his worth to this team by arguing a call, getting two technicals and getting the boot. His retarded rant gave the opposing team a free throw and a possession. It’s truly something when your coach could affect the outcome of a game in such a negative way.

One more quick note about Zeke, before I continue on to some other notes about the Knicks and the NBA season so far. Has anyone noticed the puzzle piece on his lapel? I don’t know what it represents, I would hope it’s for a charity; but does anyone agree that Isiah may be trying to say he is the missing piece of the puzzle? That would truly be something. In my view, I don’t think the man can even complete a puzzle. He strikes me as the type of guy who would try to help his daughter match that one really irregular piece, only to get frustrated, start cursing, and then eventually jam it into the wrong spot. His daughter would look down at the puzzle in confusion, and then look back at her father, now sporting his classic creepy Isiah Thomas smile. So in a nutshell, that’s what I think of Isiah’s coaching style.

Moving right along, this season has provided some interesting subplots in its early stages. The Knicks managed to follow “Suspension Fest ’06” with two games that started synonymously with their season so far (getting blown out at home), only to comeback in amazing fashion to win both with two buzzer beaters! Is it something to marvel at in the moment? Of course. Does it mean the Knicks have a shot at doing something this year? Let’s find out.

A brawl, two buzzer beaters and a rebounding machine with a Jew-fro

I think that sums up the Knicks season so far, no? First off, here’s my two cents on the brawl. I didn’t see it live, so its hard to base my opinion in the context of what happened, especially what led up to it. All I will say is this. Isiah Thomas definitely had something to do with it. There is evidence of him verbally provoking a hard foul, if a Nugget drove to the basket (and yes, he was sporting the creepy smile while doing so). Mardy Collins was definitely the fall-guy in the situation, kind of like when they send a newbie to whack someone in the mafia. You’re not really going to miss his presence if your enemies (the NBA in this case) try to retaliate.

With that said, Carmelo Anthony definitely threw one hell of a sucker punch. I can only imagine his girlfriend, Lala from MTV, calling him a “punk-ass bitch” later in the night, and refusing to let him “hit that.” But the person who let me down the most in this whole thing is Nate Robinson. I really had high hopes for him coming into this year, and as of right now, these are the two things he is best know for this season. 1. Attempting a self alley-oop, and missing horribly. 2. Jumping on J.R. Smith like a cliché midget character in a movie when provoked with a barrage of “midget jokes.” On top of that, he is averaging -5 assists per game. Mighty Mouse has certainly not come to save the day. Zing!

But as low as the Knicks looked Sunday morning on the front page of every New York tabloid, they managed to revamp their image with two amazing finishes. Game-winning buzzer beaters are simply too rare and thrilling to ignore. But this team is still a mess in my view; without a real leader, without any intensity or effort on defense and “with” Isiah Thomas still calling the shots. They’re lucky they are playing in the worst division in NBA history as Greg Anthony labeled the Atlantic on ESPN radio, because I think the playoffs are a very realistic goal even for them.

More ball swapping than a Jenna Jameson film

When I first saw the new NBA ball, only one thing caught my attention. Why don’t the lines go all the way around? Instead, the seams (I guess that’s what you can call them) connect to create a futuristic looking ball, that I could imagine Neo and Morpheus would use for a pick-up game. Oddly enough, NBA analysts never discussed the ball’s new design. The debate over the new rock was all about its grip and bounce. I don’t really have a point here.

Rocky Mountain A.I.

The Allen Iverson trade fiasco didn’t last nearly as long as I thought it would, and even more surprisingly, Billy King scored a pretty decent deal. He got cap relief (Joe Smith’s expiring contract) a solid point guard (Dre Miller) and two first round picks. Sure those picks will be in the late first round, but this team is going to have a high first rounder next year as well. Plus there have been a bunch of talented guys going 20-29 recently, just look at David Lee. Now all King has to do is not fuck up this very important draft in 07. He probably will though.

As for Iverson’s impact in Denver, it’s going to take two re-adjustment periods. First when A.I. makes his debut with the team, and then when Melo is thrown back in the mix. It has the potential to be great, but no one with able to know for sure until some games get played. I don’t like to predict things that are so new and untested, as in Iverson playing alongside another superstar for the first time in his career. This is a guy whose big teammates have included a rejuvenated and bald Matt Geiger, which reminds me of a game from the Sixers finals run in 2001 on TNT. During the post game studio session, while breaking down the action, Charles Barkley decided to interject with this insightful observation. “Matt Geiger is an ugly man.” Sportscasting at its finest if you ask me.

One thing about A.I…he has to watch out in Denver. He’s not in Philly anymore, a city full of crazies who booed Santa Claus. He is now playing in a strict, conservative city, where Kobe was put on a witch trial. So Allen, you may want to take it easy with the gun-wielding drunken ambushes at your baby’s mama’s place. And if so, at least put a pair of pants on. Other than that, I think they have a shot at the title.

A tale of two teams…

Why are Gang Green and the G-Men both 6-5 going into week 13? Because of coaching, injuries, scheduling, team chemistry, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and of course…the media.

It's quite the anomaly. Anomaly, meaning irregularity or abnormality. And if you don't know what those words mean, you're retarded. Going into this season, no one gave the Jets a chance to win more than 4 games, and for the most part, the Giants were being labeled a playoff contender in the crapshoot which is the National Football Conference (NFC). The reasoning for such? Justifiable. The Jets had no offensive identity, including an injury prone quarterback, a hall of fame running back at the end of his career and an unproven, untested offensive line. Their defense had scattered talent playing under a new coach, and in a new defensive scheme, the 3-4.

No one was labeling the Giants as serious contenders, but in the NFC East, they had as good a chance as anyone. And with a very proven offense, and a defense that included two pro bowl defensive ends, they were, as sportswriters like to say "better on paper" than the New York Jets. So why are both teams at the same record, almost two-thirds into the season? As my headline so clearly states, there are many factors determining why the Jets have overachieved so much at 6-5, and why the Giants are crumbling at…6-5. I want to focus on one team at a time, because both season stories are so different, it would be dizzying to compare their pros and cons. In the end, I will try to determine the fate of both teams, if they are playing in January, and if either have a chance to make something of it.

Let's start off with the Jets. Many people don't feel what the Jets are doing is something spectacular, and the truth is they're right. The Jets are not an elite team, and there's no reason they should be. But this is what irks me about Jets antagonism in 2006. Some sports analysts claim that the only games the Jets are winning are against bad teams and that with the exception of a win in New England, they do not have one impressive victory to stand on. OK, in an ignorant sense, that's true. But the Jets are still a good team, and for that same reason. Good teams are supposed to beat bad teams. It means they did their homework, exploited their opponent's weaknesses and won the game. That's why teams like Arizona and Detroit are bad teams. They don't win those so called "gimmes" on their schedule, and the games they do win are usually by chance.

In addition to that, the Jets have competed in every game but one this year, another impressive footnote in this noteworthy season. If you subtract the Jacksonville game where they obviously phoned it in, their other four losses all displayed the competitive side of this team. They were getting blown out by the Pats, but almost staged a last minute comeback. They had the Colts beat, but got iced by a 2 minute drill ala Peyton Manning (he does it all the time). The Browns game?? Well when a potential game winning touchdown isn't reviewed as a blatant force-out, you got to chalk that up to horrible officiating. Finally, the Chicago game was a good defensive stalemate, until the Bears cracked the board with a field goal. They wrapped it up with a td, only scored due to a missed Jets tackle.

And yet, that one missed tackle is a good example of what this Jets season has been so far. It was just "one" mixed tackle. Not a series of blown plays, or interceptions, or penalties. This team has been playing to their fullest potential all year, and then some. This has been especially evident on the offensive end. You probably couldn't trade their starting offense for any other team at the start of the season, and now they are looking better than half the pack. You have to credit an amazing draft which solidified their offensive line, a year after it fell apart. Can you believe that? It's been taking Arizona years to do the same thing, and they're still no where close, while the Jets are pretty much a tackle short of having an elite o-line. It's truly outstanding.

OK, now for the Giants. Remember those factors I was talking about? They were mostly applying to the G-Men. Plain and simple, before the Giants even snapped one play this year, they had a brutal schedule to go through. If you don't believe me, just check it out. Non division games included Indy, Seattle, Chicago, Jacksonville, Carolina and what was supposed to be a gimme in Week 15 before the season is now not, the surprising Saints. They only have two easy games on their schedule, Houston and Tennessee, and Tampa Bay even though they made the playoffs last year. So right away, it was going to be a battle for the Giants to win 10 games this season. Considering their schedule had no weak spots, they finished the first half of the season at 6-2. Their division record? 3-0. Their competition? Looking very shaky. It was a good time to be Giants fan, even though their star running back had just announced his retirement at seasons end.

Then, the injuries started to pile up. They lost both of their starting ends. They lost their no. 1 cornerback. They lost two of their outside linebackers. They lost their number two receiver. Well Tiki, your last season is going to be your biggest workload as well. Oh sorry, you just lost your left tackle as well. And that isn't even the full extent of it. So before I continue, let me say this. For the second straight year, the Giants have been almost completely decimated by injury, so regardless of what happens this year, they get a pass. But the team can't worry about that now. They desperately need to put their awful injury luck behind them, and try to save this season.

I'm not going to bother talking about the Bears or Jaguars losses. Those were two good teams, and the Giants were in fine shape going into an easy bounce back game vs. Tennessee. But that game was beyond discussion, and while radio hosts, newspaper columnists and TV personalities have been dissecting it all week, I'm going to save some time and make it pretty simple for everyone. You know who's fault it was they lost that game? Mathias Kiwa"fuckin"anuka! I'm sick of hearing idiots like Michael Kay attack Coughlin for chewing him out after the play. He missed a fucking tackle! Why is he worrying about getting a penalty when he hasn't even finished his assignment? In the NLF you only get credit for bringing your opponent to his FUCKING KNEES. This isn't touch football, you have to make sure that quarterback is down, and not worry about getting a 15 yard penalty in the process. I am still baffled as to why this rookie is getting off so easily for his lame ass excuse.

So what does peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have to do with all of this? Nothing really, actually. My brother just pointed out that during Michael Strahan's tirade on that ESPN reporter he was snacking on said sandwich. And there really isn't anything more offensive than an angry football player in your face while he licks peanut butter out of gapped teeth. As for the media's effect on the Giants lately, it's all self inflicted. The media are always going to be in you face, after a big loss, win, whatever. It's up to the team to provide the material for the picture that will ultimately be painted on TV and print. And the Giants are doing nothing to help themselves in this case. Can you believe that all of this nonsense wit Coughlin, Tiki, Strahan and Shockey has actually rendered the initials TO utterly useless to the media this week? I have to assume Parcells is thrilled about that. I just hope the Giants are coming up with a game-plan for the Cowboys, because despite what Shockey believes, this isn't the same team they creamed on Monday Night Football. I should point out that I've really grown to dislike the Giants talkative tight end. He is writing a lot of checks that his ass can't cash, and for a player to talk as much as him, he should really back it up on the field. He's been mediocre all year, and the less he does, the more he wines.

So in closing, just where do these teams stand as far as playoffs are concerned? As screwed as the Giants seem, they have a better chance solely because they play in the NFC. If they have to compete for the last playoff spot, it would be with the Rams, Vikings, 49ers and Falcons. I have to assume that even with their injuries, they're better than all those teams. Unfortunately, their remaining schedule will definitely not help their case. Dallas, Carolina, Philly, New Orleans and Washington. The Jets remaining schedule? Green Bay, Buffalo, Miami, Minnesota and Oakland. The remaining teams ahead of the Jets for the final two playoff spots? Denver, Kansas City, Cincy and Jacksonville. It's the Giants schedule vs. the Jets mountain climb. Take your pick.

And as for these teams Super Bowl chances, mark my words…neither of these teams will win one playoff game. Unless of course, they win a playoff game, kind of negating what I just wrote.

12-3...

That's right, that's right. In my first week ever of picking winners in the NFL, I went an impressive 12-3 (with the exception of the Miami-Pittsburgh game, which was played before I wrote my column). I don't mean to brag, it's not like I'm trying to become Matthew McConaughey's character in "2 for the money" or anything. And I never really got that character anyway. I never envisioned someone who's an expert at betting football games to be a good-looking young guy who does push-ups in his boxers. To me, its more of a fat, balding guy who runs a betting pool at his brokerage firm, and owns league pass, while playing in 5 fantasy football leagues under the name "SuzyKolber fan69".

Speaking of fantasy football, my first week in that was not as impressive. It's not a good thing when two of the quarterbacks you've selected (in this case Jake Plummer and Drew Bledsoe) are the topic of every "which qb should be benched first?" segment on SportsCenter. I really hope it doesn't come to the point where I have to pick up some guy named Tony Romo in a couple of weeks (although I am a big fan of his ribs) because Bledsucks keeps throwing the ball directly into the hands of defenders. I swear he does it sometimes just to give that "I can't catch a break" look after going to the sideline, when it's obviously his fault.

Moving right along, Week 2 of the season is almost entirely made up of divisional match-ups, some will be good games (Giants-Eagles, Jets-Patriots) others should be blowouts (Bengals-Browns, Bears-Lions). I'm going to break down the NY teams playing this weekend, both playing their biggest rivals, and both in need of a win. The Giants case is obvious, they lost the Manning Bowl and do not want to give one up the Eagles, which would put them in the early season cellar of the NFC East. The Jets on the other hand won their Week 1 game, but against the lowly Titans. A win against Mangina's old battery mates (I don't know if I'm using that term correctly) would definitely make the Jets the talk of the town. Shit, it would make them the talk of the whole league. Lets go Jets!

Patriots at Jets (Patriots favored -6 "nigga please??")

Six points, eh? Well that's two field goals Mike Nugent probably won't hit, so who knows, it could be accurate. Seriously at this point, I rather have Ted Nugent handling extra points. He has long, limber legs that could definitely clear the uprights (and with that and the McConaughey comment, I've made my first two homo-erotic references of the season, and it's only Week 2). But screw the Jets kicker, this game has so many layers, that the whole "football being 90 percent (or something) mental" saying definitely comes into play. Lets break it down, shall we?

First off, these two teams are known for swapping coaches more than Fox is for swapping wives. It all started when Parcells left the Pats to coach the Jets in 1997 (New England, many people forget, went on to hire old Jets coach and current USC coach Pete Carroll). Then when the Tuna jumped ship, Bill "the traitor" Belichick performed some "dutch-door-action" on the Jets and left for the Pats (he resigned after one day, the coward). Throw in some jabroni named Al Grogh, and it's enough to make a sitcom out of. Mangina brings the coaching carousel full circle, by giving the Jets a piece of the New England Dynasty's infamous coaching staff.

While Gina had a sub-par year taking over for Romeo Cronell as defensive coordinator last season, his claim to fame was coaching the team's excellent secondary during their 3 Super Bowl runs. In the Jets week one win, they had 3 picks, and with a secondary made up mostly nobodies. Does this compute into Mangina being a pass defense guru? It's hard to say, Kerry Collins was playing quarterback.

This week they are going against Tom Brady, who didn't dazzle much in his debut either. A big problem with that may be the lack of his favorite receiving target, Deion Branch, which brings us to another one of the game's subplots. Earlier this week, the Pats had the nerve to file tampering charges against the Jets, who claim the team tried to lure him with trade talks without conferring with their (the Pats) front office. I can only imagine how much crazier it would be if Deion did sign with the Jets, and was in the lineup for this game. I could picture him scoring a touchdown, and Asante Samuel scissor kicking him in the face, while back-flipping his way back to the locker room. (Note, I have no knowledge as to any stealth ninja skills possessed by Asante Samuels. I just think he has a cool name).

So basically, this game should be a pressing one, physically and psychologically. The big question for me and every other Jets fan is "can Chad Pennington hold up." OK, he's talented, and his passing accuracy and determination is enough to make him compete. But I've said it before, and I'll say it again, his peripheral vision leaves a lot to be desired. If Chad keeps getting blindsided by two-man rushes, while his arm is in mid-swing, there's a good chance his rotator cuff will stop rotating, and this time for good. I want to have faith, but it's way too early. However, a successful game at home vs. New England will definitely help. I'm going to have to be a homer two weeks in a row, and say the Jets will have people talking on Monday morning, and not about Desperate Housewives, which is a very gay show.

Giants at Eagles (Eagles favored 3)

So, in a very entertaining game, which included a pretty sick and under-looked td by Plaxico, big brother conquered over little one. And I basically stated in last week's column that Peyton was still the premier quarterback, even though I picked the Giants to win. Looking back, I have no idea why I did that. I basically soaked Peyton's cork for about four paragraphs, and then said, "I'm gonna take the Giants." That's like the equivalent of macking a really hot chick at a bar, and doing a real good job at it, only to forget about her and drunkenly make-out with some ugly chick at the end of the night. It doesn't make sense. It's fucking stupid.

As for this game, I can tell I'm really going to hate picking Eagles-Giants games, and anyone who has watched them can understand why. The Eagles were realistically the most underrated team going into this season, as everyone forgot Donovan McNabb went to three straight conference title games before T.O. came to town. Plus, they have a solid "core," O-Line and defensive front seven. If Stallworth is a legit no. 1 receiver, and Westbrook could have a solid year as a combo-back, there is no reason why Philly can't rebound from their disappointing 05-06 year and win the division again.

Everyone says the NFC East is the best division in football, and I'm not positive it is. Look at the AFC North with the Steelers, Bengals and Ravens, who finally look to have their defense back to Super Bowl form. Of course you cant count at the high scoring AFC West, which has three teams all capable of winning the division, and is always a fight to the end. And if Tampa can rebound from their dismembering by the Ravens, you got to think the NFC South, with three elite defenses, and a last place team with Reggie Bush could be the conference's best team. So what does this leave the NFC East as? I'd say they're definitely the most "publicized" division in football, what with the TO saga, the Cowboys being "America's team," Dan Snyder's attempt to make the Redskins the salary-capped Yankees of football, and the G-Men, New York's favorite team...that plays in New Jersey.

In this division, I think success will truly be determined by quarterback play, which should have Dallas and Washington sweating early. The Cowboys have the potential to implode more than any of the teams, and the Redskins are underachieving big time with every pre-season move they make. So who does that leave at the top of the division? The Eagles and the Giants. And hey, they have good situations at quarterback, and solid defenses as well. Only with the Eagles, they have had a better track record of not choking when the postseason comes. Sure they lost three straight conference titles games, but the Giants lost in round one last year to the Panthers, and badly. I'm liking the Eagles this week to prove their NFC East dominance, setting up a probable all green Super Bowl. Yeah, that's right.

Rest of the week's picks:
Dolphins over Bills
Vikings over Panthers
Bengals over Browns
Bears over Lions
Colts over Texans
Saints over Green Bay
Ravens over Raiders (lock pick)
Falcons over Bucs
Seahawks over Cardinals
49ers over Rams
Denver over Kansas City
Chargers over Titans
Cowboys over Redskins
Jaguars over Steelers

WEEK 1 NFL PREVIEW: THE MANNING BOWL

Well, my first attempt to write a sports column went the wayside when I was overtaken with laziness, leaving the three people (my brother, Bunz and Ian) who read the damn thing without their weekly dose of witty Dan Israeli pop culture references. But the return of my favorite sports league, the NFL, has inspired me to return, and Im back with a vengeance baby!

I dont know why the most exciting NBA playoffs in recent times, the resurgence of my beloved Nye Mets or several ridiculous side stories (like Eddie Griffin driving drunk while masturbating and crashing his car) didnt inspire me to pen a column, but for some reason the start of a NFL season does. And this is especially interesting considering the fate of my NY Jets, whose offense is so pathetic, that in my recent fantasy draft, a white receiver (Matt Jones of the Jaguars) was taken before any member of Gang Green. In fact, none were taken at all. They will truly suck asscheeks this year when it comes to crossing the goal line, unless you count safeties, which Im predicting Chad will have six of this year.

Fantasy football has truly become my saving grace for the past two seasons, as it is a great way to add excitement to a league when your team will inevitably stink. And aside from taking Drew Bledsoe in the sixth round, I had a pretty sweet draft. (Dont sleep on DeAngelo Williams or Reggie Bush, they will both outshine their teams respective starters by mid-season).

So for my first column of the 06-07 season I will break down 4 noteworthy games of Week 1, as well running down the rest of my picks. To start things off, who are the Jets playing??

Jets at Titans (Titans favored 2.5)

The Jets opener is bittersweet in a way, as theyll be squaring off against former All-pro center Kevin Mawae, who will be a great factor in the budding career of Vince Young. However, the game also pits the Jets against one of 5 teams (Titans, Raiders, Browns, Packers and Niners) I think they have a realistic chance of beating this year. If the Jets can win their first game of the season, think about it...they have a realistic shot at going 1-15 on the year.

I hate bashing them so much, but I've pretty much lost all faith in Chad "I have worse depth perception than a blind/deaf premature newborn" Pennington, and he is playing with a young O-line (two rookies) and running-backs-by-committee (but, unlike New Orleans or Denver, our backs suck). Add to that a defense depleted by the loss of pass-rusher John Abraham, playing under a brand new 3-4 scheme. This may take some getting used to. Losing games, that is.

Still, I have to say I like what Eric "Mangina" Mangini is doing with the team. When you're as horrible as the Jets were going into this year's draft, it's always wise to start from the core up (D and O line) and the Jets definitely solidified the latter by picking up two All-American guys in Ferguson and Mangold. As for their new 3-man front on D, I can only hope it will work out, as it will depend mostly on Dewayne Robertsons success at nose tackle and Jonathan Vilma's conversion to inside linebacker.

Well this game preview basically served as a season preview for my Jets, but what can I say, its not a very interesting game to dissect. The Titans are filled with concerns too, and I really hope they swap Collins with Young at some point in the game to at least add to the excitement. Im going to take the Jets in this one, but it wont be pretty.

Falcons at Panthers (Panthers favored 5.5)

Well, Ive been saying it for a while now, but this season is it. When he first came into the league, I immediately bought Michael Vicks number 7 jersey, after watching him almost every weekend play for Virginia Tech (remains the only college football team I ever partially followed in my life). Then I stopped wearing the jersey because the neck-hole got really stretched out (due to my large cranium), and it started to look really fruity on me.

Well Vick is kind of like that fruity neck-hole. If he keeps stretching out (i.e. running and not passing for completions) he's going to wear out and become a bust in his career. I always loved him for his athleticism and game-breaking plays, but he always threw a nice td bomb in the mix to make me think he was working on his passing game. But after a promising second year in the league, he has since not amassed 3,000 yards, and is starting to throw as many picks as touchdowns. And he doesnt throw nearly enough touchdowns as it is.

As for Carolina, they are fueled by preseason hype, and are coming off a successful year without All-pro defensive tackle Kris Jenkins, who is hopefully back in form. The main storyline for this game is the trash-talk exchange between DeAngelo Hall and Steve Smith, in which the third year cornerback was stupid enough to call out a guy who killed it last year, and is best not provoked (see Chicago Bears in last years playoffs).

Smith wisely decided not to entertain Hall's smack talk, simply rebutting that "he's barking up the wrong tree," while adding that it was a "big ass tree." The game will depend a lot on Smith's availability, who is a game-time-decision due to not one, but two pulled hamstrings. So, Im going to make it simple. If Smith plays, Panthers win. If not, Im going to give the Falcons the early division lead. (Special note, if Smith plays even one down, Im going to consider it, so he better make it count.)

Bengals at Chiefs (Chiefs favored 2.5)

Hmm...I wonder how Herm Edwards will do in KC. Regardless, he's going to appear at the post game conference saying something like this, "I tell ya, I am proud of that football team. The success of our season will be determined by how many games we win, ya hear?" I swear Edwards is a modern-day John Madden. Ony he blabs out his common-sense sound bites with more confidence and attitude, making him look less stupid and more like a smooth talking black dude.

Am I mad he left the Jets out to dry? Not really. I think he was a good motivational coach, but I want a guru, along the lines of Bellicheck and Parcells, and Mangini is a product of their school of teaching. Kansas City is replacing one motivational guy with another, so I dont see a big upside or downside in their season. The bottom line is they are playing in a 3-way division, where strength of schedule and head-to head match-ups should determine the winner.

The outlook for the Bengals is more intriguing, who are coming off a great year that was shattered by the shattered ACL of Carson Palmer. Well he's back with a leg brace, and looked pretty on point in the preseason. So hopefully, and I say this because I really enjoy watching Cincy play offense, Palmer will continue his career injury free, and Chad Johnson wont have to cry watching Anthony Wright enter the huddle. The game is the second best match-up of the week, and Im going to have to pick the Bengals to tear apart a KC secondary that has proven nothing yet.

And finally, the best game of the week, and maybe in the history of mankind...

Colts at Giants (Colts favored 3.5)

Well this is definitely the first time I'm more excited for the Giants opener than the Jets, but how can you blame me? This game has all the makings of the greatest season opener in sports history, by pitting brother vs. brother, in a clash of two very exciting teams. While everyone is picking apart the Manning match-up, I for one found out that they will actually never be on the field at the same time, and decided to do something crazy...look at this game from a team vs. team perspective.

And these teams are pretty evenly matched. They both have great pass-rushers at each end of the D-Line (Strahan and Omenyiora vs. Freeney and Mathis), and great offensive attacks. But it would be ignorant to ignore Indy's running back situation; Edge is gone, and nobody seems to think a guy who has basically hit the ground running since his rookie year will affect the Colts with his departure. I know their line is good, but Rhodes and Addai did nothing in the preseason (78 yards on 38 carries). Cause for concern? I think so.

On the other hand the Giants have Tiki "Freaky Diki" Barber following a career year, and definitely with enough gas left for 2-3 more amazing seasons. The Giants will have a clear edge in the running game this Sunday night, a game that should see both qbs getting a lot of edge pressure. (By the way, how depressing are these new Tiki Barber-Curtis Martin McDonalds commercials? What were they thinking when the shot this? I am convinced they shot it before last years season, because I dont see how they could put two guys going in totally opposite directions of their careers in the same spot. I almost feel like Tiki is going to turn to Curtis at one point and ask him "Hey, are you retiring or what?" while Martin rebuts by smiling and taking a bite out of that chicken snacker thing theyre plugging.)

OK, I guess Ill touch on the Manning match-up briefly. Right now, I still think Peyton is leagues above his little brother, in how he produces and especially how he runs an offense. Peyton is the optimal playmaker in the league, while Eli is trying to imitate his game (spying defense coverage and calling audibles) but is simply not as successful. And if you want to compare their stats at the same point of their career, I'll negate their rookie seasons, and look at the ever-telling sophomore numbers for both guys (Peyton-62.1percentage, 4135 yards, 26 tds, 15 picks) vs. (Eli- 52.8, 3762, 24, 17). Nuff said.

Finally, Peyton, despite his off-season reputation, has that winning charisma that Eli also lacks. Hes a personable, funny guy, as noted by that new commercial where he wears a fake mustache and wig for no reason. Eli on the other hand is a bit slow. He's the type of guy who would watch one of those break-dancing groups on subway cars that do summersaults rolls down the aisle, and Eli would be spinning his head around, smiling with every rotation, clapping, while drool slowly rolled down his chin. (I shouldnt have typed that, I actually found out he had trouble learning how to read as a child). In any case, Im taking the Giants. Until next time.

Remaining picks for the week
Denver over St. Louis
New England over Buffalo
Baltimore over Tampa Bay
Seattle over Detroit
Philadelphia over Houston (Lock pick)
New Orleans over Cleveland
Dallas over Jacksonville
Chicago over Green Bay
Arizona over San Fran
Minnesota over Washington
San Diego over Oakland

How Kobe and Artest made me forget about football

Wow. Instead of jocking myself for correctly picking both conference title games, I'm going to have to devote all my attention this week to two crazy developments that occurred in my once favorite league, the NBA. While the Steelers and Seahawks both stamped their respective tickets to Motown this past Sunday, a media plagued superstar in LA was stamping his own ticket to the Hall of Fame. Not to say Kobe wasn't a lock already with his three rings, but now he has entered a territory only one other man has ever journeyedvideo game-like points!

81. That's Kobe's number plus a 1, because he is now in my mind the no. 1 player in this league (how interesting was that breakdown? It literally took me like 10 seconds to think of). Now I'm going to start by saying this, Kobe is no Jordan yet. Aside from the fact that I don't really see anyone becoming the next MJ, Kobe has tainted himself more in the past 3 years than Jordan has in his whole life of losing money in blackjack at Caesars Palace. But seriously, what the hell was with the backlash this guy got in the week that followed his historic performance?

I'm not a huge Kobe supporter, because he has proven to be an egotistical ball-hog several times in his career, but his performance on Sunday was not a case of a player being selfish. Pat Riley, with his slicked back greasy hair and old man tan had the AUDACITY to say that any player could score 81 if his team complied. This is a total crock of shit coming from a man who knows enough about the league to realize how ignorant he sounds. I'll write this in caps so everyone can see what my main point is in defending my argument, IF SCORING 80 POINTS WAS SO EASY, ALLEN IVERSON WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.

AI's highest total? A measly 60 points (ok, I know that's quite impressive). But come on, AI has chucked over 30 shots a bunch of times in his career, over 40 a few times. The reason Kobe was able to reach the unheard of amount of 46 shots was because he wasn't missing them! He steadily shot over 50 percent all game. Why the hell would he pass it to Von Wafer when he's that hot? (I could have said Lamar Odom, but it wouldn't have been as funny).

And then we have Vince Carter of all people saying Kobe was giving a bad example to the kids by taking over the game like he did. I never understood this expression, but is that ever the pot calling the kettle black? Yeah Vince, I guess openly admitting that you dogged it several games in Toronto to force a trade is really admirable. I guess all teenage players across the nation should start playing really bad in hopes of being traded to another high school instead of doing something atrocious like scoring 81 points in a huge comeback win. What a douchebag.

And that is the bottom line. His team was down by 18 in the third quarter. He scored 55 in 24 minutes (that's MJ's infamous double nickel in one half) so his team could win the game. Yet some people, mainly his peers in the league tried to analyze the situation as another way for Kobe to garner some media attention. Scoring that many points will always do that though, no matter who you are. Once again, you don't have to like him to acknowledge what Bryant did. Give respect where respect is due. Kobe dropped 81 points on the Raptors. Second most all time, behind a record few people ever thought would be broken, and now it possibly could. END OF STORY.

Moving right along, that crazy bastard Ron Artest finally got traded this week, in a move me and my sports loving friends have namedropped once or twice. The Pacers get Peja in return, who hopefully can raise his points per game and field goal percentage in his new locale. That's all he really has to do. People can rag on his defense and hustle all they want, but no one was bad mouthing him as much when he scored about five points more and shot a better clip. As for Crazy, he's reluctantly joining the struggling Kings. It's a great move for Sac Town, who are not losing any points but are gaining A LOT on hustle and defense. What's the problem though? I just said it, Ron Artest is crazy!

I mean come on, who doesn't want to play for the Maloofs? I can imagine when you join the team they shower you with casino chips from their Palms hotel and surround you with hot Vegas strippers. Just imagine Joe Maloof in that deep smelly voice of his saying, Hey Ron, welcome to the Palms! It's gonna be a blast man! Plus Crazy will be close to LA, a perfect spot to focus on that horrible R&B group he may or may not still manage (for stats I double check, for this I could care less).Speaking of Artest's unstable mental state, I was wondering who are the five craziest athletes in sports history? He has got to be up there, but I will exclude TO. He isn't crazy; he's just a dick. When my buddy Ian started iming me some quotes from a certain deranged boxer, I knew I had my number one set, I just had to come up with the rest. So, I leave you with my top five craziest athletes of all time! (or just the ones I could think of in the 35 minutes before going to Atlantic City. I'm going to kill the hold em tables baby!)

5. Bill Romanowski- Of his many scuffles as a linebacker in the NFL, Romo got the most attention for his altercation with teammate Marcus Williams in 2003, punching him in the face and breaking his eye socket, forcing him to retire. He has since apologized.

4. Bobby Valentine- OK, so he is a crazy manager. But does anyone remember his mustache disguise to get back in the dugout like 5 years back? In fact, does anyone remember any other manager doing anything remotely close to that just to come back and watch his team lose? I think not.

3. Ron Artest- I put crazy at number three, mainly for his off the court issues and the brawl in Detroit. But I have to include that he donned 91 in that shortened season to honor the no. 2 player on our list

2. Dennis Rodman- The transgender power forward was the bad boy of the league before Artest (in a much more sexually explicit way). But I will always remember the time he fell into a cameraman after a play, and decided to, for no good reason; kick the guy square in the nuts.

1. Iron Mike Tyson- Why bother getting into his wife beating, ear biting, children eating threatening life story?

Let me just show you those quotes I was talking about. [He] called me a 'rapist' and a 'recluse.' I'm not a recluse.

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."

"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

And finally...

"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

The results from last week are in, Marcy Darcy is the better lesbian basketball player

Well, the results are in, and I couldn't have done much worse in my first column of predicting professional sporting events. I went 1-4 last weekend, and I can only say in my defense that it was a weekend of full of probable upsets. Thank god my lone correct prediction was also my "lock bet" of the week, in which I stated I would stop writing the column if I were wrong. So I would like to thank one balding/clutch quarterback in Matt Hasselbeck for not making my week a complete bust.

While I didnt foresee Tom Brady and Peyton Manning choking en route to the AFC Championship game, I did mention that a strong performance from Steve Smith (150 yards and 2 tds) would give Carolina the edge in their game vs. the Bears. Well, Smith did just that and more, scoring two big tds while grabbing 12 catches for 218 yards (thats more yardage than Bears starting QB Rex Grossman). And this came after a week of rants from Bears players calling out Smiths capability. He made them pay for it, causing d-backs to fall on their asses more than Tara Reid after a night of heavy boozing. This proves it's never wise to awaken a sleeping giant like Smith, (even though hes only 5'9, and is hardly sleeping, he is rather quite awake. I'm retarded).

The situation reminds me of me dwindling at my computer earlier this week trying to get several articles for work done before deadline. An interesting development was occurring nearby on my living room couch, as my twin brother Jon and his friend (who goes by the moniker Bunz) were playing a heated game of NBA 2K6 on my now obsolete X-BOX. While Bunz kept ridiculing Jon for previously saying he "found Ellen DeGeneres funny," the pressure got to my bro and he lost the game. Feeling that vengeance was in store, he decided to create DeGeneres in the "create-a-player" feature, make her a superstar and destroy Bunz with the openly gay comedienne in a rematch. Knowing he had to counter attack, the aforementioned Bunz created Marcy Darcy, the lesbian neighbor from Married with Children, and the rematch of the century was on. Darcy went on to drop 68 points in victory. What does this have to do with Steve Smith? Absolutely nothing, I just really felt the need to mention it.

Moving right along, I won't take up too much time on last weeks games, only to say that Peyton Manning and the Colts had that game gift wrapped to them and totally blew it. Forget the overrated Roethlisberger tackle on Harper that followed the Bettis fumble; how the hell do you throw it to the end zone on a 2nd and 2 at the Pittsburgh 30 yard line? Manning should have tried to secure an easy 35 yarder for Vanderjagt, before trying to end a game they had no business winning (note the Polamalu call). I was gunning for Indy because they make the regular season so exciting to watch, and Manning runs an offense like no other. But after watching him waive off his own coach's call to punt on a 4th and short, Im beginning to lose faith on the guy's psyche in big games.

I won't spend too much time on this weeks Conference title games either, mainly because I clearly have no idea what I'm doing in picking winners and I want to touch on Antonio Davis a little (yeah that's right). But here is what common sense has to say about two games that I didn't envision seeing, or still want to for that matter.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos

Damn it, if Indy would have won we could have had our first all-Equestrian Conference title game! (get it? Broncos? Colts?). Instead, the two teams I praised for controlling the running game will square off in a race that is too close to call. Momentum has got to be equally fueling both teams; the Steelers just beat the odds-on Super Bowl favorite on the road, while the Broncos have finally knocked off the Brady Dynasty. Both teams have great, veteran coaches with plenty of playoff experience. The quarterbacks are not only grizzly in their facial appearance, but are solid in their decision-making (Plummer has made some real strides this year) and are pretty impressive athletes for their stature. And both defenses are amongst the best in the league at working together and meeting their assignments.

I want to give Denver the edge for having home field, even though it has proven to mean nothing in this years playoffs. But I like Pittsburghs D more than Denvers, because of their balance in stopping the run and the pass. I should really throw stats out of the window this week, but aside from that, the Steelers had the calls going against them on Sunday and still won. Denver outplayed New England, but won the game with two questionable calls (the Samuel pass interference and Baileys questionable run back). Come on NFL gods; end this horrible playoff season on a positive note and put Sgt. Slaughter and the Bus back in the Super Bowl. Im taking the Steelers, with no confidence in my choice whatsoever.

Carolina Panthers at Seattle Seahawks

I'll say this right from the get-go; I'm taking the Seahawks to win because I am sick of all these upsets. And they have been; home teams with better regular season records usually win in the NFL playoffs. Aside from that, I was one fan seriously concerned for the Hawks when their MVP back went down with a concussion last week. Against a pressure D, I had little faith in Hasselbeck leading his team to victory with Maurice Morris in the backfield. But Hasselbeck came through, with a pair of tds, no picks and 215 passing yards. Not bad at all. Alexander will be back this weekend, and coach Mike Holmgren said he's at 100 percent. If that is true, Seattle will be at the top of their game, which they obviously weren't in last weeks win.

On the other hand, the Panthers have played great in two consecutive road playoff games. But they didn't play against an offense nearly as good as Seattles, with the inconsistent O of the Giants and the nonexistent O of the Bears being easily exploited by the Panthers third ranked defense. I am worried considering they shut down Tiki Barber in that first round match-up, but Alexander has a much better O line, and can run between the tackles more efficiently than everybodys favorite beef patty spokesman. Plus, Qwest Field has proven to be a tough place for opposing teams this season; the Hawks havent lost there yet. I believe the same will be said for this weekend. I predict that Seattle will win a close, high scoring game, even if Smith puts up big numbers, which he probably will.

Finally, I didn't have the pleasure of watching the live footage of Antonio Davis rushing into the stands against the Bulls last night, but from what I've gained, he saw some creepy random guy harassing his wife and felt the need to intervene. I feel like a big reason Davis got suspended 5 games is because of the sheer size of the man and how it looks seeing a 7 foot behemoth literally climb over a press box. In that sense, the NBA is treating their players like zoo attractions, that cause immediate danger to the crowd when they leave their cages, in this case a basketball court. But in the replay footage I saw, Davis did not threaten anyone while approaching the stands, and merely reacted to what he thought was a threat to his family. This is nothing close to Ron Artest, who literally ran into the stands with a clenched fist ready to do some damage. I did hear that Davis' wife is kind of a loud mouth, and that the guy's intoxicated state is still in question. But Davis is only slightly, Id say one percent wrong in this matter, and should have only been suspended one game. He went on his instinct like any normal person would do, and was wise enough to restrain himself. And if this pathetic loser of a fan is actually contemplating filing a lawsuit, the case should be thrown out like Tara Reid during last call at a Mexican Bar and Grill. I hate Tara Reid. She is a filthy whore.

****MY FIRST SPORTS COLUMN!****

Hey everybody, I decided to use the myspace blog as an outlet for my only aspiration in life right now, to become a sports writer. Every week I will post a column discussing sports topics in a witty manner, similar to Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons from ESPN.com. I hope to come up with a clever name for my column by next week, but for now it’ just ‘sports column, which isn’t very clever at all. If you’re a sports fan, give it a read and tell me what you think. For this week I will preview this coming weekend’s NFL playoff match-ups. Enjoy!

Southeast Jerome and a Hawaiian Warrior headline Week 2 of the playoffs

After an extremely uneventful first weekend of playoff football that saw two blowouts (Pats over Jags, Panthers over G-Men), a boring defensive battle (Skins over Bucs) and the tragedy that was the Bangles first playoff game in 15 years (Palmer’s second play of game, 66yd bomb = torn ACL)…this weekend’s divisional match-ups look pretty promising. Every game has the added intrigue of being a re-match from the regular season, a rarity in the wild card playoff era. Last weekend was filled with so-called “upsets”, with three road teams advancing. But now 4 strong home teams are being thrown into the mix, and is time to see if the “road warriors” of last weekend can prevail again. Here are my picks.

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks

Undoubtedly the hottest team coming into the playoffs, the Skins bring a 6 game winning streak into Qwest Field. However, they shouldn’t feel too proud about last week’s sloppy win over the Bucs, after garnering only 136 total yards of pathetic offense. This included Mark Brunell throwing for 41 yards with no td’s (the earlier mentioned Palmer out-gunned him by 25 yards while getting injured, to show you how pitiable that is). So with Brunell looking like his old washed up self, the offensive burden will be placed on the shoulders of Clinton “Southeast Jerome” Portis, against the league’s 5th ranked rush D, that gave up a league low 5 running touchdowns this year. Yikes.

Which brings us to the Seahawks, a team that has been getting no respect this year besides having the league’s second best record, an improved defense and a td machine of an MVP in Shaun Alexander. Why aren’t they getting any credit? Because Seattle sports teams never do. Same thing happened with the Sonics remarkable run last year, which ended in the second round of the playoffs. Sadly people just don’t associate Seattle with sports. When people think of the Emerald city they think of rain, Starbucks and Kurt Cobain blowing his brains out (OK I could have easily just said Nirvana, but what the hey).

And come on, Alexander is a very worth league MVP. The guy can bust out 20 yard+ runs as well as short gains for tds. He can run between the tackles, outside of them...he’s just fucking ridiculous is what he is. The Skins did a decent job of containing him in their surprising week 4 win over Seattle, but that game was in DC, and by containing him I mean he ran for 98 yards with a td…yes, that’s an average game for Alexander. This is my lock game of the week. If Seattle loses, I will stop writing this column. Mark my words!

(Although I must say it would be fun to see Portis’ deranged alter ego’s make it to the Super Bowl. If you don’t know, Portis has been dressing up as strange characters during his Thursday practice interviews with the media. He never breaks character, and is fucking hilarious in the process. Can you imagine him on media day for the Super Bowl? With reporters from all over the world waiting, and seeing a man wearing something like a shower cap, fairy wings and a neo outfit from the Matrix enter the podium? It’s almost too good to be true.)

OK, I took a little too long on that one. Don’t wanna lose my readers on my first column.

New England Patriots at Denver Broncos

As Will Smith said in the Jadakiss song, The Champ is Here. The Pats really put a beatin’ on the Jags last week, showing why they are still the team to beat in the NFL playoffs (face it, even if you hate them like I do, they are). This week will not be as easy for Belichick and company, who are taking on a very good Broncos team. This also marks the first time in the Pats gloried Super Bowl run that they will play on the road. All this leads to some cause for concern in Bean Town.

Denver will attempt to do what they do best, control the running game. They have done this all year, the team is amazingly ranked 2nd in both rushing offense and defense. I’m not a math wiz, but that’s’ pretty damn good. Good news for New England is that their rushing D has improved greatly over the second half of the season. Denver doesn’t have one dominant back to worry about, but two very good ones in Mike Anderson and Tatum Bell. New England will have to keep these guys in check if they want to win.

Better news for the Pats is that Denver, despite having the league’s best cornerback in Champ Bailey, has the league’s 29th worst passing D. So Tom Brady, awkward smile and all, should deliver another stellar performance against the Broncos, (the man hasn’t lost yet in the playoffs). He has really proven to be a great player this year, and was my choice as runner up to Alexander as league MVP. As long as New England doesn’t let Tatum Bell shit on them with 50 yard runs, New England should just get by for the road win…but this game is going to be close. I just feel that Belichick is too good a coach, and will come up with a scheme to stop Bell from exploding. Take the champs in this one.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts

After the dirty play of Kimo von Oelhoffen, the Steelers stole a victory from the Bangles last weekend and secured a rematch with the Colts in the Dome. (OK, so it was an accident, but I just can’t trust anyone that sounds so German). The Steelers got bitch smacked by the Colts in Week 12, and lost again in week 13, a game that many thought spelled the end of their year. But the downfall of San Diego combined with the Steelers running off 4 straight wins to end the season gave them a playoff berth. They now face a team that is, in every way possible, built to win this game.

Like the Broncos, the Steelers key to success this weekend will be controlling the ground game (they are similarly impressive, 3rd in D, 5th in O). Stopping Edgerrin James will be especially difficult for the Steelers though with starting nose tackle Casey Hampton out, so expect the Edge to pound it through the middle. As for their ground attack, Pittsburgh will need Willie Parker to gain 100 yards. I’m sorry, I love watching Jerome Bettis run people over, but this game is on turf, and the Bus’ down n’ dirty rushing style is better fit for the outdoors.

I think Dungy is going to let Peyton Manning do what he does best in this one, run the no huddle, drive it down the field, and when the D is forced to push back, let Edge run it in for the easy score. The Steelers cannot match the Colts on offense. I don’t think Ben Roethlisberger (who looks a lot like Cal from the 40 Year Old Virgin lately) has ever won a shootout, or maybe he has but not against Peyton. Plus he’s going to get some serious pressure from the Colts two nasty defensive ends, Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis, who like Indy’s Offense, excel on the turf. (See what I meant when I said the Colts are built to win this game?)

Peyton is going to need to watch out when he throws the ball in the middle of the field, where Steelers safety Troy Polamalu lurks. He is one of the few d-backs to pick off Peyton this season and is one dangerous player. Did u see him come out of nowhere for that pick against Jon “I will only throw to crappy white receivers” Kitna last week? Polamalu is like a crazy Hawaiian warrior turned football player, who can easily be playing the game with a spear and loincloth. (OK, I just managed to sound racist and gay in one sentence. And now I sound like a homophobe. Uh,, Colts win by 16).

Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears

YAWWWWWNNNN!!! OK, so three games this week look promising. Sorry, I just don’t like defensive battles; they just lead to horribly un-watchable offense. The Bears D is mimicking the Super Bowl champion Ravens of 2000, a hard hitting group of guys that work around a middle linebacker who truly controls the game. Brian Urlacher has returned to his pro bowl form this year, winning the Defensive Player of the Award while leading the leagues best defense (I don’t care what the websites say, it damn well wasn’t the fuckin bucs).

While I don’t like defensive battles, I do like Steve Smith. He looks like rapper Xzibit, but plays like Andre Rison (before that crazy bitch burned down his house). If Smith has a big game, like 150 yards and two tds, that should be enough to win. I think the over-under for this game is like negative 5, so it’s safe to say who ever scores 14 points first will win.

Problem is, Jake Delhomme did not throw for a touchdown in the Panthers week 11 loss to the Bears. He did throw 2 picks however, and in my opinion has had a pretty disappointing season. So he beat up on the Giants last week, that team basically turned around, pulled down their pants and pointed towards their assholes during the opening kickoff (if that made no sense, I apologize). The truth is the Bears shut down the Panthers that game 13-3, and what makes this game any different? Their defense is healthy, rested and have only gotten better since that game. I have some faith in John Fox, a very underrated coach in this league, but I have to think a D as good as the Bears will win one playoff game. I wouldn’t bet the farm on it, but take the Bears to win. That would put them just 2 games away from Super Bowl Shuffle: 2006.

Phew, that was rouuuggghh! But let me know what you think, and you can even post your own comments or picks somewhere on my page. To all you football fans out there, enjoy this weekend’s game and don’t get too drunk. Peas.