****MY FIRST SPORTS COLUMN!****

Hey everybody, I decided to use the myspace blog as an outlet for my only aspiration in life right now, to become a sports writer. Every week I will post a column discussing sports topics in a witty manner, similar to Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons from ESPN.com. I hope to come up with a clever name for my column by next week, but for now it’ just ‘sports column, which isn’t very clever at all. If you’re a sports fan, give it a read and tell me what you think. For this week I will preview this coming weekend’s NFL playoff match-ups. Enjoy!

Southeast Jerome and a Hawaiian Warrior headline Week 2 of the playoffs

After an extremely uneventful first weekend of playoff football that saw two blowouts (Pats over Jags, Panthers over G-Men), a boring defensive battle (Skins over Bucs) and the tragedy that was the Bangles first playoff game in 15 years (Palmer’s second play of game, 66yd bomb = torn ACL)…this weekend’s divisional match-ups look pretty promising. Every game has the added intrigue of being a re-match from the regular season, a rarity in the wild card playoff era. Last weekend was filled with so-called “upsets”, with three road teams advancing. But now 4 strong home teams are being thrown into the mix, and is time to see if the “road warriors” of last weekend can prevail again. Here are my picks.

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks

Undoubtedly the hottest team coming into the playoffs, the Skins bring a 6 game winning streak into Qwest Field. However, they shouldn’t feel too proud about last week’s sloppy win over the Bucs, after garnering only 136 total yards of pathetic offense. This included Mark Brunell throwing for 41 yards with no td’s (the earlier mentioned Palmer out-gunned him by 25 yards while getting injured, to show you how pitiable that is). So with Brunell looking like his old washed up self, the offensive burden will be placed on the shoulders of Clinton “Southeast Jerome” Portis, against the league’s 5th ranked rush D, that gave up a league low 5 running touchdowns this year. Yikes.

Which brings us to the Seahawks, a team that has been getting no respect this year besides having the league’s second best record, an improved defense and a td machine of an MVP in Shaun Alexander. Why aren’t they getting any credit? Because Seattle sports teams never do. Same thing happened with the Sonics remarkable run last year, which ended in the second round of the playoffs. Sadly people just don’t associate Seattle with sports. When people think of the Emerald city they think of rain, Starbucks and Kurt Cobain blowing his brains out (OK I could have easily just said Nirvana, but what the hey).

And come on, Alexander is a very worth league MVP. The guy can bust out 20 yard+ runs as well as short gains for tds. He can run between the tackles, outside of them...he’s just fucking ridiculous is what he is. The Skins did a decent job of containing him in their surprising week 4 win over Seattle, but that game was in DC, and by containing him I mean he ran for 98 yards with a td…yes, that’s an average game for Alexander. This is my lock game of the week. If Seattle loses, I will stop writing this column. Mark my words!

(Although I must say it would be fun to see Portis’ deranged alter ego’s make it to the Super Bowl. If you don’t know, Portis has been dressing up as strange characters during his Thursday practice interviews with the media. He never breaks character, and is fucking hilarious in the process. Can you imagine him on media day for the Super Bowl? With reporters from all over the world waiting, and seeing a man wearing something like a shower cap, fairy wings and a neo outfit from the Matrix enter the podium? It’s almost too good to be true.)

OK, I took a little too long on that one. Don’t wanna lose my readers on my first column.

New England Patriots at Denver Broncos

As Will Smith said in the Jadakiss song, The Champ is Here. The Pats really put a beatin’ on the Jags last week, showing why they are still the team to beat in the NFL playoffs (face it, even if you hate them like I do, they are). This week will not be as easy for Belichick and company, who are taking on a very good Broncos team. This also marks the first time in the Pats gloried Super Bowl run that they will play on the road. All this leads to some cause for concern in Bean Town.

Denver will attempt to do what they do best, control the running game. They have done this all year, the team is amazingly ranked 2nd in both rushing offense and defense. I’m not a math wiz, but that’s’ pretty damn good. Good news for New England is that their rushing D has improved greatly over the second half of the season. Denver doesn’t have one dominant back to worry about, but two very good ones in Mike Anderson and Tatum Bell. New England will have to keep these guys in check if they want to win.

Better news for the Pats is that Denver, despite having the league’s best cornerback in Champ Bailey, has the league’s 29th worst passing D. So Tom Brady, awkward smile and all, should deliver another stellar performance against the Broncos, (the man hasn’t lost yet in the playoffs). He has really proven to be a great player this year, and was my choice as runner up to Alexander as league MVP. As long as New England doesn’t let Tatum Bell shit on them with 50 yard runs, New England should just get by for the road win…but this game is going to be close. I just feel that Belichick is too good a coach, and will come up with a scheme to stop Bell from exploding. Take the champs in this one.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts

After the dirty play of Kimo von Oelhoffen, the Steelers stole a victory from the Bangles last weekend and secured a rematch with the Colts in the Dome. (OK, so it was an accident, but I just can’t trust anyone that sounds so German). The Steelers got bitch smacked by the Colts in Week 12, and lost again in week 13, a game that many thought spelled the end of their year. But the downfall of San Diego combined with the Steelers running off 4 straight wins to end the season gave them a playoff berth. They now face a team that is, in every way possible, built to win this game.

Like the Broncos, the Steelers key to success this weekend will be controlling the ground game (they are similarly impressive, 3rd in D, 5th in O). Stopping Edgerrin James will be especially difficult for the Steelers though with starting nose tackle Casey Hampton out, so expect the Edge to pound it through the middle. As for their ground attack, Pittsburgh will need Willie Parker to gain 100 yards. I’m sorry, I love watching Jerome Bettis run people over, but this game is on turf, and the Bus’ down n’ dirty rushing style is better fit for the outdoors.

I think Dungy is going to let Peyton Manning do what he does best in this one, run the no huddle, drive it down the field, and when the D is forced to push back, let Edge run it in for the easy score. The Steelers cannot match the Colts on offense. I don’t think Ben Roethlisberger (who looks a lot like Cal from the 40 Year Old Virgin lately) has ever won a shootout, or maybe he has but not against Peyton. Plus he’s going to get some serious pressure from the Colts two nasty defensive ends, Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis, who like Indy’s Offense, excel on the turf. (See what I meant when I said the Colts are built to win this game?)

Peyton is going to need to watch out when he throws the ball in the middle of the field, where Steelers safety Troy Polamalu lurks. He is one of the few d-backs to pick off Peyton this season and is one dangerous player. Did u see him come out of nowhere for that pick against Jon “I will only throw to crappy white receivers” Kitna last week? Polamalu is like a crazy Hawaiian warrior turned football player, who can easily be playing the game with a spear and loincloth. (OK, I just managed to sound racist and gay in one sentence. And now I sound like a homophobe. Uh,, Colts win by 16).

Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears

YAWWWWWNNNN!!! OK, so three games this week look promising. Sorry, I just don’t like defensive battles; they just lead to horribly un-watchable offense. The Bears D is mimicking the Super Bowl champion Ravens of 2000, a hard hitting group of guys that work around a middle linebacker who truly controls the game. Brian Urlacher has returned to his pro bowl form this year, winning the Defensive Player of the Award while leading the leagues best defense (I don’t care what the websites say, it damn well wasn’t the fuckin bucs).

While I don’t like defensive battles, I do like Steve Smith. He looks like rapper Xzibit, but plays like Andre Rison (before that crazy bitch burned down his house). If Smith has a big game, like 150 yards and two tds, that should be enough to win. I think the over-under for this game is like negative 5, so it’s safe to say who ever scores 14 points first will win.

Problem is, Jake Delhomme did not throw for a touchdown in the Panthers week 11 loss to the Bears. He did throw 2 picks however, and in my opinion has had a pretty disappointing season. So he beat up on the Giants last week, that team basically turned around, pulled down their pants and pointed towards their assholes during the opening kickoff (if that made no sense, I apologize). The truth is the Bears shut down the Panthers that game 13-3, and what makes this game any different? Their defense is healthy, rested and have only gotten better since that game. I have some faith in John Fox, a very underrated coach in this league, but I have to think a D as good as the Bears will win one playoff game. I wouldn’t bet the farm on it, but take the Bears to win. That would put them just 2 games away from Super Bowl Shuffle: 2006.

Phew, that was rouuuggghh! But let me know what you think, and you can even post your own comments or picks somewhere on my page. To all you football fans out there, enjoy this weekend’s game and don’t get too drunk. Peas.