Wow. Instead of jocking myself for correctly picking both conference title games, I'm going to have to devote all my attention this week to two crazy developments that occurred in my once favorite league, the NBA. While the Steelers and Seahawks both stamped their respective tickets to Motown this past Sunday, a media plagued superstar in LA was stamping his own ticket to the Hall of Fame. Not to say Kobe wasn't a lock already with his three rings, but now he has entered a territory only one other man has ever journeyedvideo game-like points!
81. That's Kobe's number plus a 1, because he is now in my mind the no. 1 player in this league (how interesting was that breakdown? It literally took me like 10 seconds to think of). Now I'm going to start by saying this, Kobe is no Jordan yet. Aside from the fact that I don't really see anyone becoming the next MJ, Kobe has tainted himself more in the past 3 years than Jordan has in his whole life of losing money in blackjack at Caesars Palace. But seriously, what the hell was with the backlash this guy got in the week that followed his historic performance?
I'm not a huge Kobe supporter, because he has proven to be an egotistical ball-hog several times in his career, but his performance on Sunday was not a case of a player being selfish. Pat Riley, with his slicked back greasy hair and old man tan had the AUDACITY to say that any player could score 81 if his team complied. This is a total crock of shit coming from a man who knows enough about the league to realize how ignorant he sounds. I'll write this in caps so everyone can see what my main point is in defending my argument, IF SCORING 80 POINTS WAS SO EASY, ALLEN IVERSON WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.
AI's highest total? A measly 60 points (ok, I know that's quite impressive). But come on, AI has chucked over 30 shots a bunch of times in his career, over 40 a few times. The reason Kobe was able to reach the unheard of amount of 46 shots was because he wasn't missing them! He steadily shot over 50 percent all game. Why the hell would he pass it to Von Wafer when he's that hot? (I could have said Lamar Odom, but it wouldn't have been as funny).
And then we have Vince Carter of all people saying Kobe was giving a bad example to the kids by taking over the game like he did. I never understood this expression, but is that ever the pot calling the kettle black? Yeah Vince, I guess openly admitting that you dogged it several games in Toronto to force a trade is really admirable. I guess all teenage players across the nation should start playing really bad in hopes of being traded to another high school instead of doing something atrocious like scoring 81 points in a huge comeback win. What a douchebag.
And that is the bottom line. His team was down by 18 in the third quarter. He scored 55 in 24 minutes (that's MJ's infamous double nickel in one half) so his team could win the game. Yet some people, mainly his peers in the league tried to analyze the situation as another way for Kobe to garner some media attention. Scoring that many points will always do that though, no matter who you are. Once again, you don't have to like him to acknowledge what Bryant did. Give respect where respect is due. Kobe dropped 81 points on the Raptors. Second most all time, behind a record few people ever thought would be broken, and now it possibly could. END OF STORY.
Moving right along, that crazy bastard Ron Artest finally got traded this week, in a move me and my sports loving friends have namedropped once or twice. The Pacers get Peja in return, who hopefully can raise his points per game and field goal percentage in his new locale. That's all he really has to do. People can rag on his defense and hustle all they want, but no one was bad mouthing him as much when he scored about five points more and shot a better clip. As for Crazy, he's reluctantly joining the struggling Kings. It's a great move for Sac Town, who are not losing any points but are gaining A LOT on hustle and defense. What's the problem though? I just said it, Ron Artest is crazy!
I mean come on, who doesn't want to play for the Maloofs? I can imagine when you join the team they shower you with casino chips from their Palms hotel and surround you with hot Vegas strippers. Just imagine Joe Maloof in that deep smelly voice of his saying, Hey Ron, welcome to the Palms! It's gonna be a blast man! Plus Crazy will be close to LA, a perfect spot to focus on that horrible R&B group he may or may not still manage (for stats I double check, for this I could care less).Speaking of Artest's unstable mental state, I was wondering who are the five craziest athletes in sports history? He has got to be up there, but I will exclude TO. He isn't crazy; he's just a dick. When my buddy Ian started iming me some quotes from a certain deranged boxer, I knew I had my number one set, I just had to come up with the rest. So, I leave you with my top five craziest athletes of all time! (or just the ones I could think of in the 35 minutes before going to Atlantic City. I'm going to kill the hold em tables baby!)
5. Bill Romanowski- Of his many scuffles as a linebacker in the NFL, Romo got the most attention for his altercation with teammate Marcus Williams in 2003, punching him in the face and breaking his eye socket, forcing him to retire. He has since apologized.
4. Bobby Valentine- OK, so he is a crazy manager. But does anyone remember his mustache disguise to get back in the dugout like 5 years back? In fact, does anyone remember any other manager doing anything remotely close to that just to come back and watch his team lose? I think not.
3. Ron Artest- I put crazy at number three, mainly for his off the court issues and the brawl in Detroit. But I have to include that he donned 91 in that shortened season to honor the no. 2 player on our list
2. Dennis Rodman- The transgender power forward was the bad boy of the league before Artest (in a much more sexually explicit way). But I will always remember the time he fell into a cameraman after a play, and decided to, for no good reason; kick the guy square in the nuts.
1. Iron Mike Tyson- Why bother getting into his wife beating, ear biting, children eating threatening life story?
Let me just show you those quotes I was talking about. [He] called me a 'rapist' and a 'recluse.' I'm not a recluse.
"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."
"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."
"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."
And finally...
"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."
Friday, January 27, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
The results from last week are in, Marcy Darcy is the better lesbian basketball player
Well, the results are in, and I couldn't have done much worse in my first column of predicting professional sporting events. I went 1-4 last weekend, and I can only say in my defense that it was a weekend of full of probable upsets. Thank god my lone correct prediction was also my "lock bet" of the week, in which I stated I would stop writing the column if I were wrong. So I would like to thank one balding/clutch quarterback in Matt Hasselbeck for not making my week a complete bust.
While I didnt foresee Tom Brady and Peyton Manning choking en route to the AFC Championship game, I did mention that a strong performance from Steve Smith (150 yards and 2 tds) would give Carolina the edge in their game vs. the Bears. Well, Smith did just that and more, scoring two big tds while grabbing 12 catches for 218 yards (thats more yardage than Bears starting QB Rex Grossman). And this came after a week of rants from Bears players calling out Smiths capability. He made them pay for it, causing d-backs to fall on their asses more than Tara Reid after a night of heavy boozing. This proves it's never wise to awaken a sleeping giant like Smith, (even though hes only 5'9, and is hardly sleeping, he is rather quite awake. I'm retarded).
The situation reminds me of me dwindling at my computer earlier this week trying to get several articles for work done before deadline. An interesting development was occurring nearby on my living room couch, as my twin brother Jon and his friend (who goes by the moniker Bunz) were playing a heated game of NBA 2K6 on my now obsolete X-BOX. While Bunz kept ridiculing Jon for previously saying he "found Ellen DeGeneres funny," the pressure got to my bro and he lost the game. Feeling that vengeance was in store, he decided to create DeGeneres in the "create-a-player" feature, make her a superstar and destroy Bunz with the openly gay comedienne in a rematch. Knowing he had to counter attack, the aforementioned Bunz created Marcy Darcy, the lesbian neighbor from Married with Children, and the rematch of the century was on. Darcy went on to drop 68 points in victory. What does this have to do with Steve Smith? Absolutely nothing, I just really felt the need to mention it.
Moving right along, I won't take up too much time on last weeks games, only to say that Peyton Manning and the Colts had that game gift wrapped to them and totally blew it. Forget the overrated Roethlisberger tackle on Harper that followed the Bettis fumble; how the hell do you throw it to the end zone on a 2nd and 2 at the Pittsburgh 30 yard line? Manning should have tried to secure an easy 35 yarder for Vanderjagt, before trying to end a game they had no business winning (note the Polamalu call). I was gunning for Indy because they make the regular season so exciting to watch, and Manning runs an offense like no other. But after watching him waive off his own coach's call to punt on a 4th and short, Im beginning to lose faith on the guy's psyche in big games.
I won't spend too much time on this weeks Conference title games either, mainly because I clearly have no idea what I'm doing in picking winners and I want to touch on Antonio Davis a little (yeah that's right). But here is what common sense has to say about two games that I didn't envision seeing, or still want to for that matter.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos
Damn it, if Indy would have won we could have had our first all-Equestrian Conference title game! (get it? Broncos? Colts?). Instead, the two teams I praised for controlling the running game will square off in a race that is too close to call. Momentum has got to be equally fueling both teams; the Steelers just beat the odds-on Super Bowl favorite on the road, while the Broncos have finally knocked off the Brady Dynasty. Both teams have great, veteran coaches with plenty of playoff experience. The quarterbacks are not only grizzly in their facial appearance, but are solid in their decision-making (Plummer has made some real strides this year) and are pretty impressive athletes for their stature. And both defenses are amongst the best in the league at working together and meeting their assignments.
I want to give Denver the edge for having home field, even though it has proven to mean nothing in this years playoffs. But I like Pittsburghs D more than Denvers, because of their balance in stopping the run and the pass. I should really throw stats out of the window this week, but aside from that, the Steelers had the calls going against them on Sunday and still won. Denver outplayed New England, but won the game with two questionable calls (the Samuel pass interference and Baileys questionable run back). Come on NFL gods; end this horrible playoff season on a positive note and put Sgt. Slaughter and the Bus back in the Super Bowl. Im taking the Steelers, with no confidence in my choice whatsoever.
Carolina Panthers at Seattle Seahawks
I'll say this right from the get-go; I'm taking the Seahawks to win because I am sick of all these upsets. And they have been; home teams with better regular season records usually win in the NFL playoffs. Aside from that, I was one fan seriously concerned for the Hawks when their MVP back went down with a concussion last week. Against a pressure D, I had little faith in Hasselbeck leading his team to victory with Maurice Morris in the backfield. But Hasselbeck came through, with a pair of tds, no picks and 215 passing yards. Not bad at all. Alexander will be back this weekend, and coach Mike Holmgren said he's at 100 percent. If that is true, Seattle will be at the top of their game, which they obviously weren't in last weeks win.
On the other hand, the Panthers have played great in two consecutive road playoff games. But they didn't play against an offense nearly as good as Seattles, with the inconsistent O of the Giants and the nonexistent O of the Bears being easily exploited by the Panthers third ranked defense. I am worried considering they shut down Tiki Barber in that first round match-up, but Alexander has a much better O line, and can run between the tackles more efficiently than everybodys favorite beef patty spokesman. Plus, Qwest Field has proven to be a tough place for opposing teams this season; the Hawks havent lost there yet. I believe the same will be said for this weekend. I predict that Seattle will win a close, high scoring game, even if Smith puts up big numbers, which he probably will.
Finally, I didn't have the pleasure of watching the live footage of Antonio Davis rushing into the stands against the Bulls last night, but from what I've gained, he saw some creepy random guy harassing his wife and felt the need to intervene. I feel like a big reason Davis got suspended 5 games is because of the sheer size of the man and how it looks seeing a 7 foot behemoth literally climb over a press box. In that sense, the NBA is treating their players like zoo attractions, that cause immediate danger to the crowd when they leave their cages, in this case a basketball court. But in the replay footage I saw, Davis did not threaten anyone while approaching the stands, and merely reacted to what he thought was a threat to his family. This is nothing close to Ron Artest, who literally ran into the stands with a clenched fist ready to do some damage. I did hear that Davis' wife is kind of a loud mouth, and that the guy's intoxicated state is still in question. But Davis is only slightly, Id say one percent wrong in this matter, and should have only been suspended one game. He went on his instinct like any normal person would do, and was wise enough to restrain himself. And if this pathetic loser of a fan is actually contemplating filing a lawsuit, the case should be thrown out like Tara Reid during last call at a Mexican Bar and Grill. I hate Tara Reid. She is a filthy whore.
While I didnt foresee Tom Brady and Peyton Manning choking en route to the AFC Championship game, I did mention that a strong performance from Steve Smith (150 yards and 2 tds) would give Carolina the edge in their game vs. the Bears. Well, Smith did just that and more, scoring two big tds while grabbing 12 catches for 218 yards (thats more yardage than Bears starting QB Rex Grossman). And this came after a week of rants from Bears players calling out Smiths capability. He made them pay for it, causing d-backs to fall on their asses more than Tara Reid after a night of heavy boozing. This proves it's never wise to awaken a sleeping giant like Smith, (even though hes only 5'9, and is hardly sleeping, he is rather quite awake. I'm retarded).
The situation reminds me of me dwindling at my computer earlier this week trying to get several articles for work done before deadline. An interesting development was occurring nearby on my living room couch, as my twin brother Jon and his friend (who goes by the moniker Bunz) were playing a heated game of NBA 2K6 on my now obsolete X-BOX. While Bunz kept ridiculing Jon for previously saying he "found Ellen DeGeneres funny," the pressure got to my bro and he lost the game. Feeling that vengeance was in store, he decided to create DeGeneres in the "create-a-player" feature, make her a superstar and destroy Bunz with the openly gay comedienne in a rematch. Knowing he had to counter attack, the aforementioned Bunz created Marcy Darcy, the lesbian neighbor from Married with Children, and the rematch of the century was on. Darcy went on to drop 68 points in victory. What does this have to do with Steve Smith? Absolutely nothing, I just really felt the need to mention it.
Moving right along, I won't take up too much time on last weeks games, only to say that Peyton Manning and the Colts had that game gift wrapped to them and totally blew it. Forget the overrated Roethlisberger tackle on Harper that followed the Bettis fumble; how the hell do you throw it to the end zone on a 2nd and 2 at the Pittsburgh 30 yard line? Manning should have tried to secure an easy 35 yarder for Vanderjagt, before trying to end a game they had no business winning (note the Polamalu call). I was gunning for Indy because they make the regular season so exciting to watch, and Manning runs an offense like no other. But after watching him waive off his own coach's call to punt on a 4th and short, Im beginning to lose faith on the guy's psyche in big games.
I won't spend too much time on this weeks Conference title games either, mainly because I clearly have no idea what I'm doing in picking winners and I want to touch on Antonio Davis a little (yeah that's right). But here is what common sense has to say about two games that I didn't envision seeing, or still want to for that matter.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos
Damn it, if Indy would have won we could have had our first all-Equestrian Conference title game! (get it? Broncos? Colts?). Instead, the two teams I praised for controlling the running game will square off in a race that is too close to call. Momentum has got to be equally fueling both teams; the Steelers just beat the odds-on Super Bowl favorite on the road, while the Broncos have finally knocked off the Brady Dynasty. Both teams have great, veteran coaches with plenty of playoff experience. The quarterbacks are not only grizzly in their facial appearance, but are solid in their decision-making (Plummer has made some real strides this year) and are pretty impressive athletes for their stature. And both defenses are amongst the best in the league at working together and meeting their assignments.
I want to give Denver the edge for having home field, even though it has proven to mean nothing in this years playoffs. But I like Pittsburghs D more than Denvers, because of their balance in stopping the run and the pass. I should really throw stats out of the window this week, but aside from that, the Steelers had the calls going against them on Sunday and still won. Denver outplayed New England, but won the game with two questionable calls (the Samuel pass interference and Baileys questionable run back). Come on NFL gods; end this horrible playoff season on a positive note and put Sgt. Slaughter and the Bus back in the Super Bowl. Im taking the Steelers, with no confidence in my choice whatsoever.
Carolina Panthers at Seattle Seahawks
I'll say this right from the get-go; I'm taking the Seahawks to win because I am sick of all these upsets. And they have been; home teams with better regular season records usually win in the NFL playoffs. Aside from that, I was one fan seriously concerned for the Hawks when their MVP back went down with a concussion last week. Against a pressure D, I had little faith in Hasselbeck leading his team to victory with Maurice Morris in the backfield. But Hasselbeck came through, with a pair of tds, no picks and 215 passing yards. Not bad at all. Alexander will be back this weekend, and coach Mike Holmgren said he's at 100 percent. If that is true, Seattle will be at the top of their game, which they obviously weren't in last weeks win.
On the other hand, the Panthers have played great in two consecutive road playoff games. But they didn't play against an offense nearly as good as Seattles, with the inconsistent O of the Giants and the nonexistent O of the Bears being easily exploited by the Panthers third ranked defense. I am worried considering they shut down Tiki Barber in that first round match-up, but Alexander has a much better O line, and can run between the tackles more efficiently than everybodys favorite beef patty spokesman. Plus, Qwest Field has proven to be a tough place for opposing teams this season; the Hawks havent lost there yet. I believe the same will be said for this weekend. I predict that Seattle will win a close, high scoring game, even if Smith puts up big numbers, which he probably will.
Finally, I didn't have the pleasure of watching the live footage of Antonio Davis rushing into the stands against the Bulls last night, but from what I've gained, he saw some creepy random guy harassing his wife and felt the need to intervene. I feel like a big reason Davis got suspended 5 games is because of the sheer size of the man and how it looks seeing a 7 foot behemoth literally climb over a press box. In that sense, the NBA is treating their players like zoo attractions, that cause immediate danger to the crowd when they leave their cages, in this case a basketball court. But in the replay footage I saw, Davis did not threaten anyone while approaching the stands, and merely reacted to what he thought was a threat to his family. This is nothing close to Ron Artest, who literally ran into the stands with a clenched fist ready to do some damage. I did hear that Davis' wife is kind of a loud mouth, and that the guy's intoxicated state is still in question. But Davis is only slightly, Id say one percent wrong in this matter, and should have only been suspended one game. He went on his instinct like any normal person would do, and was wise enough to restrain himself. And if this pathetic loser of a fan is actually contemplating filing a lawsuit, the case should be thrown out like Tara Reid during last call at a Mexican Bar and Grill. I hate Tara Reid. She is a filthy whore.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
****MY FIRST SPORTS COLUMN!****
Hey everybody, I decided to use the myspace blog as an outlet for my only aspiration in life right now, to become a sports writer. Every week I will post a column discussing sports topics in a witty manner, similar to Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons from ESPN.com. I hope to come up with a clever name for my column by next week, but for now it’ just ‘sports column, which isn’t very clever at all. If you’re a sports fan, give it a read and tell me what you think. For this week I will preview this coming weekend’s NFL playoff match-ups. Enjoy!
Southeast Jerome and a Hawaiian Warrior headline Week 2 of the playoffs
After an extremely uneventful first weekend of playoff football that saw two blowouts (Pats over Jags, Panthers over G-Men), a boring defensive battle (Skins over Bucs) and the tragedy that was the Bangles first playoff game in 15 years (Palmer’s second play of game, 66yd bomb = torn ACL)…this weekend’s divisional match-ups look pretty promising. Every game has the added intrigue of being a re-match from the regular season, a rarity in the wild card playoff era. Last weekend was filled with so-called “upsets”, with three road teams advancing. But now 4 strong home teams are being thrown into the mix, and is time to see if the “road warriors” of last weekend can prevail again. Here are my picks.
Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks
Undoubtedly the hottest team coming into the playoffs, the Skins bring a 6 game winning streak into Qwest Field. However, they shouldn’t feel too proud about last week’s sloppy win over the Bucs, after garnering only 136 total yards of pathetic offense. This included Mark Brunell throwing for 41 yards with no td’s (the earlier mentioned Palmer out-gunned him by 25 yards while getting injured, to show you how pitiable that is). So with Brunell looking like his old washed up self, the offensive burden will be placed on the shoulders of Clinton “Southeast Jerome” Portis, against the league’s 5th ranked rush D, that gave up a league low 5 running touchdowns this year. Yikes.
Which brings us to the Seahawks, a team that has been getting no respect this year besides having the league’s second best record, an improved defense and a td machine of an MVP in Shaun Alexander. Why aren’t they getting any credit? Because Seattle sports teams never do. Same thing happened with the Sonics remarkable run last year, which ended in the second round of the playoffs. Sadly people just don’t associate Seattle with sports. When people think of the Emerald city they think of rain, Starbucks and Kurt Cobain blowing his brains out (OK I could have easily just said Nirvana, but what the hey).
And come on, Alexander is a very worth league MVP. The guy can bust out 20 yard+ runs as well as short gains for tds. He can run between the tackles, outside of them...he’s just fucking ridiculous is what he is. The Skins did a decent job of containing him in their surprising week 4 win over Seattle, but that game was in DC, and by containing him I mean he ran for 98 yards with a td…yes, that’s an average game for Alexander. This is my lock game of the week. If Seattle loses, I will stop writing this column. Mark my words!
(Although I must say it would be fun to see Portis’ deranged alter ego’s make it to the Super Bowl. If you don’t know, Portis has been dressing up as strange characters during his Thursday practice interviews with the media. He never breaks character, and is fucking hilarious in the process. Can you imagine him on media day for the Super Bowl? With reporters from all over the world waiting, and seeing a man wearing something like a shower cap, fairy wings and a neo outfit from the Matrix enter the podium? It’s almost too good to be true.)
OK, I took a little too long on that one. Don’t wanna lose my readers on my first column.
New England Patriots at Denver Broncos
As Will Smith said in the Jadakiss song, The Champ is Here. The Pats really put a beatin’ on the Jags last week, showing why they are still the team to beat in the NFL playoffs (face it, even if you hate them like I do, they are). This week will not be as easy for Belichick and company, who are taking on a very good Broncos team. This also marks the first time in the Pats gloried Super Bowl run that they will play on the road. All this leads to some cause for concern in Bean Town.
Denver will attempt to do what they do best, control the running game. They have done this all year, the team is amazingly ranked 2nd in both rushing offense and defense. I’m not a math wiz, but that’s’ pretty damn good. Good news for New England is that their rushing D has improved greatly over the second half of the season. Denver doesn’t have one dominant back to worry about, but two very good ones in Mike Anderson and Tatum Bell. New England will have to keep these guys in check if they want to win.
Better news for the Pats is that Denver, despite having the league’s best cornerback in Champ Bailey, has the league’s 29th worst passing D. So Tom Brady, awkward smile and all, should deliver another stellar performance against the Broncos, (the man hasn’t lost yet in the playoffs). He has really proven to be a great player this year, and was my choice as runner up to Alexander as league MVP. As long as New England doesn’t let Tatum Bell shit on them with 50 yard runs, New England should just get by for the road win…but this game is going to be close. I just feel that Belichick is too good a coach, and will come up with a scheme to stop Bell from exploding. Take the champs in this one.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts
After the dirty play of Kimo von Oelhoffen, the Steelers stole a victory from the Bangles last weekend and secured a rematch with the Colts in the Dome. (OK, so it was an accident, but I just can’t trust anyone that sounds so German). The Steelers got bitch smacked by the Colts in Week 12, and lost again in week 13, a game that many thought spelled the end of their year. But the downfall of San Diego combined with the Steelers running off 4 straight wins to end the season gave them a playoff berth. They now face a team that is, in every way possible, built to win this game.
Like the Broncos, the Steelers key to success this weekend will be controlling the ground game (they are similarly impressive, 3rd in D, 5th in O). Stopping Edgerrin James will be especially difficult for the Steelers though with starting nose tackle Casey Hampton out, so expect the Edge to pound it through the middle. As for their ground attack, Pittsburgh will need Willie Parker to gain 100 yards. I’m sorry, I love watching Jerome Bettis run people over, but this game is on turf, and the Bus’ down n’ dirty rushing style is better fit for the outdoors.
I think Dungy is going to let Peyton Manning do what he does best in this one, run the no huddle, drive it down the field, and when the D is forced to push back, let Edge run it in for the easy score. The Steelers cannot match the Colts on offense. I don’t think Ben Roethlisberger (who looks a lot like Cal from the 40 Year Old Virgin lately) has ever won a shootout, or maybe he has but not against Peyton. Plus he’s going to get some serious pressure from the Colts two nasty defensive ends, Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis, who like Indy’s Offense, excel on the turf. (See what I meant when I said the Colts are built to win this game?)
Peyton is going to need to watch out when he throws the ball in the middle of the field, where Steelers safety Troy Polamalu lurks. He is one of the few d-backs to pick off Peyton this season and is one dangerous player. Did u see him come out of nowhere for that pick against Jon “I will only throw to crappy white receivers” Kitna last week? Polamalu is like a crazy Hawaiian warrior turned football player, who can easily be playing the game with a spear and loincloth. (OK, I just managed to sound racist and gay in one sentence. And now I sound like a homophobe. Uh,, Colts win by 16).
Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears
YAWWWWWNNNN!!! OK, so three games this week look promising. Sorry, I just don’t like defensive battles; they just lead to horribly un-watchable offense. The Bears D is mimicking the Super Bowl champion Ravens of 2000, a hard hitting group of guys that work around a middle linebacker who truly controls the game. Brian Urlacher has returned to his pro bowl form this year, winning the Defensive Player of the Award while leading the leagues best defense (I don’t care what the websites say, it damn well wasn’t the fuckin bucs).
While I don’t like defensive battles, I do like Steve Smith. He looks like rapper Xzibit, but plays like Andre Rison (before that crazy bitch burned down his house). If Smith has a big game, like 150 yards and two tds, that should be enough to win. I think the over-under for this game is like negative 5, so it’s safe to say who ever scores 14 points first will win.
Problem is, Jake Delhomme did not throw for a touchdown in the Panthers week 11 loss to the Bears. He did throw 2 picks however, and in my opinion has had a pretty disappointing season. So he beat up on the Giants last week, that team basically turned around, pulled down their pants and pointed towards their assholes during the opening kickoff (if that made no sense, I apologize). The truth is the Bears shut down the Panthers that game 13-3, and what makes this game any different? Their defense is healthy, rested and have only gotten better since that game. I have some faith in John Fox, a very underrated coach in this league, but I have to think a D as good as the Bears will win one playoff game. I wouldn’t bet the farm on it, but take the Bears to win. That would put them just 2 games away from Super Bowl Shuffle: 2006.
Phew, that was rouuuggghh! But let me know what you think, and you can even post your own comments or picks somewhere on my page. To all you football fans out there, enjoy this weekend’s game and don’t get too drunk. Peas.
Southeast Jerome and a Hawaiian Warrior headline Week 2 of the playoffs
After an extremely uneventful first weekend of playoff football that saw two blowouts (Pats over Jags, Panthers over G-Men), a boring defensive battle (Skins over Bucs) and the tragedy that was the Bangles first playoff game in 15 years (Palmer’s second play of game, 66yd bomb = torn ACL)…this weekend’s divisional match-ups look pretty promising. Every game has the added intrigue of being a re-match from the regular season, a rarity in the wild card playoff era. Last weekend was filled with so-called “upsets”, with three road teams advancing. But now 4 strong home teams are being thrown into the mix, and is time to see if the “road warriors” of last weekend can prevail again. Here are my picks.
Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks
Undoubtedly the hottest team coming into the playoffs, the Skins bring a 6 game winning streak into Qwest Field. However, they shouldn’t feel too proud about last week’s sloppy win over the Bucs, after garnering only 136 total yards of pathetic offense. This included Mark Brunell throwing for 41 yards with no td’s (the earlier mentioned Palmer out-gunned him by 25 yards while getting injured, to show you how pitiable that is). So with Brunell looking like his old washed up self, the offensive burden will be placed on the shoulders of Clinton “Southeast Jerome” Portis, against the league’s 5th ranked rush D, that gave up a league low 5 running touchdowns this year. Yikes.
Which brings us to the Seahawks, a team that has been getting no respect this year besides having the league’s second best record, an improved defense and a td machine of an MVP in Shaun Alexander. Why aren’t they getting any credit? Because Seattle sports teams never do. Same thing happened with the Sonics remarkable run last year, which ended in the second round of the playoffs. Sadly people just don’t associate Seattle with sports. When people think of the Emerald city they think of rain, Starbucks and Kurt Cobain blowing his brains out (OK I could have easily just said Nirvana, but what the hey).
And come on, Alexander is a very worth league MVP. The guy can bust out 20 yard+ runs as well as short gains for tds. He can run between the tackles, outside of them...he’s just fucking ridiculous is what he is. The Skins did a decent job of containing him in their surprising week 4 win over Seattle, but that game was in DC, and by containing him I mean he ran for 98 yards with a td…yes, that’s an average game for Alexander. This is my lock game of the week. If Seattle loses, I will stop writing this column. Mark my words!
(Although I must say it would be fun to see Portis’ deranged alter ego’s make it to the Super Bowl. If you don’t know, Portis has been dressing up as strange characters during his Thursday practice interviews with the media. He never breaks character, and is fucking hilarious in the process. Can you imagine him on media day for the Super Bowl? With reporters from all over the world waiting, and seeing a man wearing something like a shower cap, fairy wings and a neo outfit from the Matrix enter the podium? It’s almost too good to be true.)
OK, I took a little too long on that one. Don’t wanna lose my readers on my first column.
New England Patriots at Denver Broncos
As Will Smith said in the Jadakiss song, The Champ is Here. The Pats really put a beatin’ on the Jags last week, showing why they are still the team to beat in the NFL playoffs (face it, even if you hate them like I do, they are). This week will not be as easy for Belichick and company, who are taking on a very good Broncos team. This also marks the first time in the Pats gloried Super Bowl run that they will play on the road. All this leads to some cause for concern in Bean Town.
Denver will attempt to do what they do best, control the running game. They have done this all year, the team is amazingly ranked 2nd in both rushing offense and defense. I’m not a math wiz, but that’s’ pretty damn good. Good news for New England is that their rushing D has improved greatly over the second half of the season. Denver doesn’t have one dominant back to worry about, but two very good ones in Mike Anderson and Tatum Bell. New England will have to keep these guys in check if they want to win.
Better news for the Pats is that Denver, despite having the league’s best cornerback in Champ Bailey, has the league’s 29th worst passing D. So Tom Brady, awkward smile and all, should deliver another stellar performance against the Broncos, (the man hasn’t lost yet in the playoffs). He has really proven to be a great player this year, and was my choice as runner up to Alexander as league MVP. As long as New England doesn’t let Tatum Bell shit on them with 50 yard runs, New England should just get by for the road win…but this game is going to be close. I just feel that Belichick is too good a coach, and will come up with a scheme to stop Bell from exploding. Take the champs in this one.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts
After the dirty play of Kimo von Oelhoffen, the Steelers stole a victory from the Bangles last weekend and secured a rematch with the Colts in the Dome. (OK, so it was an accident, but I just can’t trust anyone that sounds so German). The Steelers got bitch smacked by the Colts in Week 12, and lost again in week 13, a game that many thought spelled the end of their year. But the downfall of San Diego combined with the Steelers running off 4 straight wins to end the season gave them a playoff berth. They now face a team that is, in every way possible, built to win this game.
Like the Broncos, the Steelers key to success this weekend will be controlling the ground game (they are similarly impressive, 3rd in D, 5th in O). Stopping Edgerrin James will be especially difficult for the Steelers though with starting nose tackle Casey Hampton out, so expect the Edge to pound it through the middle. As for their ground attack, Pittsburgh will need Willie Parker to gain 100 yards. I’m sorry, I love watching Jerome Bettis run people over, but this game is on turf, and the Bus’ down n’ dirty rushing style is better fit for the outdoors.
I think Dungy is going to let Peyton Manning do what he does best in this one, run the no huddle, drive it down the field, and when the D is forced to push back, let Edge run it in for the easy score. The Steelers cannot match the Colts on offense. I don’t think Ben Roethlisberger (who looks a lot like Cal from the 40 Year Old Virgin lately) has ever won a shootout, or maybe he has but not against Peyton. Plus he’s going to get some serious pressure from the Colts two nasty defensive ends, Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis, who like Indy’s Offense, excel on the turf. (See what I meant when I said the Colts are built to win this game?)
Peyton is going to need to watch out when he throws the ball in the middle of the field, where Steelers safety Troy Polamalu lurks. He is one of the few d-backs to pick off Peyton this season and is one dangerous player. Did u see him come out of nowhere for that pick against Jon “I will only throw to crappy white receivers” Kitna last week? Polamalu is like a crazy Hawaiian warrior turned football player, who can easily be playing the game with a spear and loincloth. (OK, I just managed to sound racist and gay in one sentence. And now I sound like a homophobe. Uh,, Colts win by 16).
Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears
YAWWWWWNNNN!!! OK, so three games this week look promising. Sorry, I just don’t like defensive battles; they just lead to horribly un-watchable offense. The Bears D is mimicking the Super Bowl champion Ravens of 2000, a hard hitting group of guys that work around a middle linebacker who truly controls the game. Brian Urlacher has returned to his pro bowl form this year, winning the Defensive Player of the Award while leading the leagues best defense (I don’t care what the websites say, it damn well wasn’t the fuckin bucs).
While I don’t like defensive battles, I do like Steve Smith. He looks like rapper Xzibit, but plays like Andre Rison (before that crazy bitch burned down his house). If Smith has a big game, like 150 yards and two tds, that should be enough to win. I think the over-under for this game is like negative 5, so it’s safe to say who ever scores 14 points first will win.
Problem is, Jake Delhomme did not throw for a touchdown in the Panthers week 11 loss to the Bears. He did throw 2 picks however, and in my opinion has had a pretty disappointing season. So he beat up on the Giants last week, that team basically turned around, pulled down their pants and pointed towards their assholes during the opening kickoff (if that made no sense, I apologize). The truth is the Bears shut down the Panthers that game 13-3, and what makes this game any different? Their defense is healthy, rested and have only gotten better since that game. I have some faith in John Fox, a very underrated coach in this league, but I have to think a D as good as the Bears will win one playoff game. I wouldn’t bet the farm on it, but take the Bears to win. That would put them just 2 games away from Super Bowl Shuffle: 2006.
Phew, that was rouuuggghh! But let me know what you think, and you can even post your own comments or picks somewhere on my page. To all you football fans out there, enjoy this weekend’s game and don’t get too drunk. Peas.
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